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let’s talk about foster care

i’m going to tell you how foster care came to be for us and then next post i will tackle the questions i received on my instagram post.

 

In 2016 i asked craig to seriously consider us becoming foster parents.
i have always had a heart for children.
i was a busy babysitter in my teens.
i was a nanny for awhile and i had my own daycare way back when my first two kids were little.
i remember the first time i put a baby to sleep by myself – i was probably 10 years old and i was so proud!
growing up I had dreams of having a BIG family filled with biological kids and adopted kids.
“big family” to me back then meant 10 – 12 children.
not kidding.
i drew pictures of them… i named all of them… i thought about it all the time.
fast forward 20 years –
that is not the same idea/dream that my husband had for our family.
and it turns out that raising “just five” kids is decently challenging on a daily basis.
i mean… when talby was little i remember i started crying at the beginning of the movie Cheaper By the Dozen because i realized in that moment i would never have 12 kids.
whaaat?

we did not agree on growing our family by adopting and i felt that the door was shut on discussing it further.
i prayed often for God to change him (ha ha ha!) but that if that wasn’t the best plan that he would change me so that we were both on the same page and growing together.  (as if God needs my help…)
i would pray those words but at the same time i couldn’t imagine how the desire to help a child find a home would NOT be what God would want.
i wasn’t discontent with my family as it was – i just felt a strong pull towards helping kids in need on top of caring for my children at home.
foster care didn’t really enter my mind for the same reasons it probably hasn’t entered many people’s minds –
“it would be too hard.”  “i would get too attached.”  “i couldn’t give them back”
but after the door was closed (and locked?) on the adoption discussion… God began to change my heart.
He opened my eyes and heart to fostering in a whole new way.

i was driving by myself, i turned onto the gravel road just before our home and i had this thought so clearly “you CAN give them back.  your kids are nearly grown.  you don’t want to start completely over.  a baby becomes a toddler.  you CAN do this!”
it felt like God was saying He would be with me and that it was time.
the fear of foster care that i had experienced up to that day was GONE.
i felt peace about it.  i felt confident in the Lord’s timing.
but… there are two people in this marriage.
over the next few months i brought up becoming a foster family several times and talby & annie did too.
they had been askting us to adopt or foster for many years.
when i would bring it up i kept going back to these points – we are loving parents.  we have a stable home.  we have enough money.  we have enough time to help.
then one day while we were out on a walk he said “i guess if you really want to look into it – go ahead.”
happy tears came to my eyes because that sentence was HUGE!!!
game changing sentence!

i set out on my quest to find out about foster care in my area.
i talked to several foster moms over the phone.
i met with two different agencies to see what is involved and how to get started.
since i was so new to all of this, i asked if it was even a possibility to only take in certain ages… is that allowed?
the answer was yes we could choose the ages of children we were willing to foster.
with our schedule as busy as it is i felt that taking in babies under one year was the best option for us.
babies go where you go and don’t really mind eating or sleeping anywhere.
and i truly love caring for babies!

after about 2 months of research, we had our first meeting with one of the social workers for our agency.
it did not go the way i had hoped.
i was totally ready to get going but my husband was having a serious case of cold feet.
the social worker basically told us everything that could go wrong.
every. possible. thing.
it was pretty grim when you looked at it from that side.
i understand that she had to be realistic and honest about what we were getting ourselves into.
i kept saying “let’s remember… that situation wouldn’t happen with a baby” to bring us back from scarytown.
but at the end he wouldn’t even schedule the next meeting.
i know my husband well enough that i did not bring up that meeting or foster care again for almost four weeks!
he likes to think about things very thoroughly.
he plans and saves and prepares and takes his time.
we are complete opposites.  🙂

we went on a date on new years day 2017 and over dinner i worked up the nerve to ask “can we talk about foster care again?”
i wasn’t afraid of him – i was afraid of the door being closed again… that i had gotten my hopes up for nothing.
i asked what he was having the most trouble with and in the end it was my heart being broken – that it would be too much for me emotionally.
he knows me & i love that.
i have soooo many feelings.
and i cry A LOT.
all my emotions – happy, sad, nervous, tired, angry, inspired, empathy – all come with a side of crying in my world.
it’s annoying but i can’t make it stop.

i assured him that i was going to be ok.
i had the peace and confidence from God that this was the path to pursue.
he said he knew all his reasons to say no were not good reasons – too busy, too tired,  not wanting to be woken up at night, past that stage of raising kids, wanting to go on trips with just me, or last minute date nights, etc. etc.
i can’t remember exactly what i said but this is close:
“i know you are worried that i will break but i am not afraid of that.  I feel ready for this.
one positive thing about foster care is that it is not permanent.  if it’s not a good fit for our family then we can stop!
if we do not do this then WHO WILL?! why do we expect anyone to help these kids if WE do not?
we are good parents with big hearts.  we have the space in our home.  we have the time and enough money.
because we are too busy?  because it might hurt too much?  because we will get too attached?
God does not call us to live in fear of being hurt.  God calls us out and says he will be alongside us when we struggle and when we hurt.
he will carry that for us.  it will be hard, our hearts will hurt but we will be okay.
even if the worst thing does happen – God will be there with us.
there are kids that need people to love on them.

he said he’d do it for me.
he is a protector and wants to keep all of his people away from harm of any kind.
i am so grateful for that amazingly comforting quality because i always feel safe with him.
but we also need to push through the fears and allow God to be our protector with hard stuff.
we can’t save ourselves.  we can’t plan everything.  we can’t control life and feelings and all of the outcomes.
i am not saying craig doesn’t want that too… i am saying he is more cautious than i am.  🙂

we started the MAPP classes shortly after that night.
to become licensed for any type of foster care (at least in kansas) you have to complete the MAPP classes.
these classes are free and usually provide childcare.  we actually found an agency near us that came to our home and taught the classes privately because we live over 25 miles from a group class.  That was so wonderful for us and our ridiculous schedule!

over the course of these classes i watched my husband’s heart soften & open up, seeing families in crisis in a whole new way.
i am pretty sure i’ve never been more attracted to him then when he was completing his MAPP homework!
🙂

it took us from January – September to complete the class, the home inspection and receive our license.
that timeline was mostly because our schedule/calendar is so full. It may not take others that long to finish.
we chose to be a foster family not foster-to-adopt.
we are licensed for 2 children ages 0-5 but plan to focus on infants.
there were several things we needed to do to pass the home inspection but nothing ridiculous… just precautions you’d want others to take if they had your child in their care like baby gates, handrails and cabinet locks.

i said no to four placements before we said yes to Tiny.
i hated saying no to helping any children but i have to think of what would be best for my family too.
going into this i knew we needed clear boundaries and to give myself permission to say no.
i prayed God would make it clear when it was the right fit and he did.
i was at a high school volleyball game when i got the call for Tiny.
and that was it – there was no hesitancy – “YES we will take him!”
we drove to target after the game to buy a carseat, diapers & formula.
At 9:30 pm we picked up this itty bitty baby and drove him back to our home.
it was completely surreal.

and now here we are four months later!
i am so incredibly happy that we are on this new adventure of learning to love in new ways.
we knew this placement could possibly be many months and of course YES we are all attached to him!
but isn’t that the only way to be?! especially with an infant?!
we have to be all in – full hearts!  this is such a crucial time for development in his life!
we have to love him with all we’ve got while he’s here.
when we bring children into our home they need to know that they’re important and worth our time and energy.
they need to feel safe.
we can’t change the situation that caused them to be in put into care.  we can’t take away the past.
we can’t guarantee the future.  but while they are here with us – we can love them and provide safety & security.

everyone asks me everywhere i go “are you going to adopt him?”
most children in foster care have families that want to be together but mom or dad need some time to get out of a tough spot, learn new parenting skills, need help to get back on their feet or tools to deal with addiction.
foster care allows the children to be cared for while those things are happening for the parents.
the goal is to help keep families together… getting kids back with their parents whenever possible.
if after all measures have been attempted and the parents are still not able to provide a safe home then more permanent decisions begin to be made.
of course there are also foster care cases that are severe and reuniting with parents shouldn’t happen at all for the children’s safety.
sooo… foster care does not automatically mean every child is up for adoption.
a foster parent needs to be a team player in reunification with the parents, supporting the efforts parents are making and be willing to see that people can change.
it is not always easy but if it all works… it’s worth it.

since this is our first placement, it’s all new to me – the ins and outs of the system, the visits, court dates and all these feelings.
the “ending” is unknown and i wrestle with the not knowing.
but you know what?  the “ending” is unknown for ALL of us.
we fool ourselves into thinking we know what’s going to happen with our families.
we have an illusion of control but nothing is certain.
so i pray about all of it.
it’s all in God’s hands.  He already knows about all of it.  He knows.

i am sharing all of this here not to make you think i am so great for helping kids or that craig isn’t great for not wanting to do this in the beginning.
which is funny now because he is so totally goo-goo over Tiny!  He is definitely not “doing this for me” anymore.
he’s participating whole heartedly.
he told me “you can write on your blog that i wasn’t always on board” before i even asked.
i am sharing the whole story so that you see that we struggled to get here.
it was not a quick or easy decision.
but we are both so blessed by getting to care for Tiny these past four months.

the REAL reason i want to talk publicly about any of this is because the need for fostering is SO BIG!
there are over 7000 kids in foster care in kansas right now and no where near enough homes for them.
i am guessing your state is no different.
wouldn’t it be amazing if foster parents were on a waiting list for kids… instead of kids waiting for a home?!
foster care can look many different ways too.
there is long term placement, short term, strictly overnight care for kids that don’t have their placement family yet, respite care to give foster parents a break for a weekend, emergency care that is needed immediately or you could be a CASA volunteer which is where you would advocate for abused and neglected children, to make sure they don’t get lost in the legal and social service system.

you can be married or single, stay home or work full time, have your own children or not, college degree or not, home owner or not… kids need you!

i’ll be answering more foster care questions from Instagram followers in my next post.
but feel free to ask questions in the comments here as well.

and here are some scenes around our house since Tiny entered our lives…

Heather - That name tag though. 😍😍😍😍

Chelsea - Just wondering if he gets to see his birth Mom while you are caring for him? How does it work with all the things he needs, financially I’m assuming you are responsible for paying for him? Such a fun journey- thanks for sharing!

Quinn (Harper) Jones - Hi Meg! This had me tearing up something fierce! Tiny is so lucky to have you and your family loving on him and helping him grow! You ve always been great with kids and you have the biggest heart! ❤️
P.S. can you come help me get my 7 week old to sleep?? 😊

Shannon - Congratulations! What a rewarding yet challenging experience! And thanks for mentioning CASAs. I was one for a few years. More people need to help!

Lisamarie - Congratulations! We’re foster parents also, amd have had over 35 kids in ten years. We’ve adopted two so far and want to,adopt more if possible ❤️

Toni :0) - This warms my heart to no end! I think it’s so wonderful what you’re doing. If I didn’t work full time and run full speed ahead raising my family, I’d seriously consider this but man it would pull on my heartstrings to give them back. God bless your family. Those babies are lucky to find you and get loved on by your family. Keep lovin them up as our doc always says. You can never love on kids enough I say. 😍💜👶🏼

Theresa - Thank you for sharing! What a gift for Tiny to have a loving start in life!

Myriah Mae - Meg!! I wondered where you have been and what you have been up to…as I have frequently checked this space!! Now I am reading this post in tears…tears of joy…tears of understanding in a way…tears of desire…tears of memories. My husband and I too went through foster care training many years ago, BUT GOD ended up leading us onto the foreign mission field, where several years later we ended up adopting our precious little girl here in Budapest, Hungary. Adoption and fostering will always hold a super special place in my heart, we so desire to adopt again…and I often dream about fostering (I know its not all dreamy) and loving on some kids in need. Its funny cause my husband says NO WAY to fostering now, because he just remembers all the scary stuff they said in those meetings and classes, but I keep praying and asking that one day that NO WAY will again be softened! God bless you and your sweet family and precious Tiny…I can see you are loving him well!

marcie - Meg, All of my friends who have adopted express such great thanks for the people who fostered their children before they joined their family. Often they didn’t meet them or know them in any way but they knew someone was out there loving on “their” child and it comforted them. One of my friends once told me that she prays specifically for her childs’ former foster parents and for people who are fostering everywhere. What amazing servants you and your family are.

Arlene - Meg, thank you so much for sharing this post. I’ve been reading your blog for 9+ years and I admire you for being so open and honest about your experiences. My husband and I have always talked about adopting (our first child is about to turn one so we’re not quite there yet) and fostering sounds like a wonderful service to these children and the world. I loved reading about this. Thank you!

Lori - Thanks for sharing your story. Wishing you all the best with Tiny 💙

Mrs. Bailey - Thank you for sharing. I have followed you since your kids were pretty little. I love that I found hope for my husband changing his mind someday. ❤

Becky Fouts - May God continue to bless you, your family, and Tiny! He has put you together for now and for only He knows how long… what a great God Hebis to “match” you!!

Nicole - Yes, yes, a thousand times, YES! I am a treatment foster care specialist in WI and part of my job is recruiting foster families. The need is so great…and the rewards are greater! I cannot tell you how much your post warms my heart. You are wonderful people and I am so proud of you.

Jennifer - Thanks for sharing Meg! It’s very enlightening to read about your experience. Tiny is blessed to have you all. Thank you saying yes.

Patty - Thank you for sharing! I didn’t know how “flexible” being a foster parent could be, as far as the age of children, etc.

ellen patton - you are wonderful.

Emily - I have been following your blog forever and am so proud of you! You are doing a great job. (And Tiny’s room is gorgeous just like everything you touch.) Thanks for sharing this part of your journey with us.

lisa @hooplapalooza - i have 2 adopted kids and like you wanted a huge family. to get to the point of adopting took 8 years and i never considered foster care until reading your post…you know God heard you when you wanted 10-12 kids. now you are on number 6 and i do believe that number will continue to grow beyond what you asked. because your hearts are SOOO big and your love is rare, raw, and inspiring, i know every child that comes into your lives is truly blessed. God bless your big wonderful family! <3

Kay Bonikowsky - What a great time of life you are in! Thank you for sharing your faith and love. For those of us, like me, who dislike childcare, but still want to help children, becoming a CASA is a great alternative. Thank you for mentioning that! A CASA needs a whole different skill set in advocating for children, and it is a great way to volunteer and make a difference in the family courts system. I became a CASA last year and only have one case, a beautiful baby girl. I just love being about to work with social workers, judges, foster parents, and the parents working hard to get their children back home. In becoming a CASA, I have more patience and understanding with “the system,” and am so impressed with the compassion of those working in the system for the care of children. Thank you for being a great foster mom!

Lee Ann - Meg, I could have written the first half of this post in first person. Almost verbatim. Event the parts where my two girls and I talk about it and are on board, but my husband isn’t. I just emailed him your post 😉 Continuing to pray!

Juli - So happy for you! You and Craig are wonderful to do this.

Beth - Great post. Thank you for sharing.

Sam - I feel so inspired. Thank you for writing this.

Shannon - Oh Meg you make me cry! Your journey and hearts are so Big and B
Beautiful! That Tiny is absolutely precious! God Bless!

Lucy - Thank you so much for writing this!

Barbara - Meg,

What a beautiful story of faithfulness and obedience to the Lord, respect for your husband and lots and lots and lots of love!

Blessings to the Duerksen Family!

Jenna - I love this! Thank you so much for sharing!! He’s precious beyond belief. And you got to decorate another room!!

Kris - What a wonderful peek into your journey…as amiddle school teacher I know how many children need foster homes!
And sharing your faith through this journey! Amen. Amen. Amen!

Rachel - Thank you so much for sharing! Can’t wait for the next post about it.

Corinne - I have been a reader for many years. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We started our family through adoption and then had 3 “home grown” . It is all good.

stephanie ackerman - YOU and Craig are super hero’s in my eyes. Thank you for sharing your whole heart and for being open, honest and transparent. You guys are almost my favorites in the world but I have to admit that I sorta love Tiny a tiny bit more. #teamtiny

Holly Clark - Love this post and love how you and your husband worked through “all the feelings” and concerns together. Even though we can not see all of Tiny, he is adorable!!!! I have been a camp counselor for older foster kids through “Camp To Belong” that has volunteers around the US. I have also been a CASA and would love to do that again. The foster care crisis is big and I love that we can all do something to help.

I think this is also great for your older kids to learn how to care for kids in crisis. God is burdened for those in need. How wonderful when kids “get it” at an early age and start thinking of their own gifts and how they can give back as adults. How neat for them to be able to picture the love you poured into each one of them as well.

God Bless your family and little Tiny’s future.

Dana - LOVE THIS! I am so happy to finally hear the whole story of how Tiny came to be and what you said was so true. If we aren’t willing to do it, who is? I have 2 adopted brothers and they were abused by their foster parents after having horrible starts with their biological parents. We need to step up! You are right- it is worth the heartache. Off to pray now…Oh, and I knew we were alike in many ways! What you said about the emotions and crying…totally me! (and probably a lot of other women, but still. 🙂 ) Sometime if you get time in your busy schedule, I would love to hear your thoughts on teens and backtalk/disrespect and if it gets better after a certain age or if you’ve found ways to make it better? We have a lot of kids as well and this teenager stuff has thrown us for a loop!

tere - Much of the first paragraph resembled me. Thank you for sharing your foster story here. God knew that your patience and passion would lead you to Tiny. You inspire me in so many ways. All my love.

Megan - So great to hear from someone advocating for foster parenting but being real about the realities of it at the same time. I work for a public children services agency and the need is great! My husband and I adopted three from foster care, and I wonder if down the line we might be open to fostering again. The thought of having a precious little thing like your Tiny in my home for awhile makes me what to think about it!

Amy jupin - Proud, proud, proud!
And I love the pic of Tiny with craig!
And of his rainbow name tag!
Love you and your big ol’ heart!!

Alice H - Foster care is on my heart and has been for awhile. My youngest son (just turned 8) always tells me “you don’t have to be the perfect parent to be a foster parent” because he has seen that on a billboard and then he follows it up with “you aren’t a perfect mom, can we foster?” LOL! My 17 year old son isn’t very big on it but I think eventually his heart would soften as well. I have a daughter in college. I think it is great what you and your family are doing for Tiny. Thanks for sharing.

Kristin S - Meg, thank you so much for sharing this!

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