not feeling myself yet.
i know this is normal.
i took a bath my first morning and it was the best.
then as the water was draining out…something snapped.
i started to cry and i just sat in my empty tub bawling…all alone.
i took my kids to school today and then came home and crawled back into bed.
i slept all day.
tonight during the kids' dessert annie asked me to read her her new book "purplicious".
i had never read it before and i was surprised by the story line.
it made me cry.
i got so upset.
which brought all the kids over to see what was so sad.
i had big huge tears pouring down my face.
craig was smiling.
it was funny because i can never control the tears.
i said "i hate to see sad girls…but i think this must have a happy ending so i will finish"
it does…by the way.
so…i am not quite myself yet.
soon.
soon.
i can't figure what to share about africa…and how.
there are MANY many photos.
but it must be done with dignity and grace.
i want to honor the people there…not exploit them.
i am trying to figure out how to say what i want to say.
Mohamed - There’s a UK stand up comedian cllaed Jo Brand, check her out on YouTube, she’s super funny. Anyway, she has this joke:Q: “How do you know when it’s time to do the housework?”A: “Look in your pants. Is there a willy there? Then it’s not time”I’ve adopted this joke to apply to basically any siatuation in life. You’re about to make a decision, act out a deed or utter a sentence. Will it be the right one? Look in your pants. Is there a willy there? If not, it’ll be wrong.The whole condition of femininity is that there is no way to do it right. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature the whole point of being a woman is to be constantly and tragically flawed. The Madonna/Whore dichotomy is not just a sexual hang up, it’s an underlying concept of perfomative femininity that illustrates the availability of only “wrong” choices and the structural obligation to strive towards one, or preferably all of them (as in the “yummy mummy” archetype). To be a woman in the patriarchy is to do being a woman wrong. What Barnea should really be ashamed of is the threadbare banality of his so-called opinions.
Casey - Meg, I’m just catching up on your trip. Your posts are beautiful, respectful and filled with heart felt concern.
Tanya - I didn’t like purplicious for a while either. it grew on me.
I cannot imagine the things you’ve now experienced. But leaving home (the US) does that. There is a change. And it seems to be great in you.
Melanie - Glad your home. Looks like you are a changed girl:)
cynthia - what a beautiful concern…”i want to honor them and not exploit them”. what an adventure you had!
H-Mama @ Family Team - I get it. I really do. I shared many tears with my husband when he went on a missions trip for 2 weeks in Calcutta (and it’s surroundings). It’s hard to give some feelings and experiences a voice. So glad you made it back safely… Will be looking forward to more posts… the words will come… in time. ((((hugs))))
Jennifer Dawn - Years ago I took a mission trip to Managua, Nicaragua. It just breaks you…it breaks your heart, it crushes everything you once thought about those living in poverty, and it tears you apart as you come home to the many luxuries in your life that just don’t exist there. I suddenly felt guilty for having a bed to sleep in, food to eat, hot water to shower with… I had to get to a place where guilt stopped and the realization kicked in that I have been placed in a position to make a difference and use my blessings to bless others. I know how you feel right now. Going on a mission trip is a beautiful experience that touches your soul forever… You develop “harvest eyes” for the world around you that you didn’t have before.
I had to speak to my church upon my own return. What a daunting task! I wondered how I would ever express in words what I was feeling in my heart and soul. I prayed for God to give me the right words to say–words that would touch people’s hearts, honor the people of Nicaragua, and reveal what I had experienced. The words just flowed when they needed to… 🙂 They will come for you too.
I am praying for God to use you in a mighty way…
linda lou - meg…you have had a out of body experience going to Africa and seeing things you would never see in the USA (: hang in there girl you’ll get back to normal in a wk or so(: far as crying go for it…its good for the soul and it heals our hearts and body. i’m a cryer and i get mad at myself for it but they say its healthy for us(: thanks for sharing so glad your back and safe!!
kelly@the blue muse - sometimes the things that make us cry are just gifts we haven’t opened yet…you will probably be discovering things about yourself and your trip for a long time to come, and we will be here waiting when you are ready to share them.
amy jupin - i loved your comments yesterday. thank you for your kind words. they mean so very much to me. i think ben and i were a match made in heaven for sure!
and i have to be honest, in a most selfish way, i’m glad you are back. i missed you so much! in a happy way–not a crazed stalker way–but you already knew that!
take your time, cry those big full tears (there will be many more i’m sure), and know that we’re all here waiting, ready to listen, learn and probably cry a few tears along with you. purplicious is a good book! we read it daily.
p.s. i adore your new header. love the polka dots. i got it.
gabrielle - Meg,
what a wonderful enlightening experience you had in Africa. I can’t imagine the hardships so many face but what a friend you have been to so many people. You are a good soul. I can’t wait to see all your wonderful pictures and they will tell your story with or without words. Glad your home and safe and healthy.
On a sidenote….I saw your daughers lamp years/months ago and could not remember where I saw it..for the life of me I looked everywhere on the blogs. Now I spy it in your daughters room..where did you get it? I love it! And if you get tired of your wigs..you can send one my way..ha!
Kirsten - Welcome back – I wanted to tell you, my brother lived in Abidjan, Ivory Coast for 4 years, working in the embassy. He said exactly what you said. Endless poverty and ignorance, so frustrating. He “adopted” a few of the street urchins, and when he’d come home he would get shoes for them, gum, maybe candy. And when he was reposted stateside, he bought his housekeeper a sewing machine. Probably changed her life forever. Good work, Megan. Be proud.
Dana D@BoysMyJoys - Your pictures are always so full of emotion, that I’m sure we will see truth in them, and not exploitation! Though I’m anxious to see them and hear what you share, take your time!
alyssa - I can only imagine how you must be feeling after a trip like that. I have a hard time not totally crashing after a highly emotional time-good or bad. I’ll be thinking about ya.
And I can’t wait to see the pictures. I’m with another reader, pictures are the complete package for me.
Mindy - You are the best! God always provides just the right words for you to share with us. And I love your tears! My daughter would feel right at home with you as she often asks me in serious and not so serious tones “Are you crying?”
If you shared too soon it wouldn’t be right. Take your time. We CAN wait.
gina - I can’t say it any better than shelly did, so I’ll just second it…
Oh Dearest Meg! I pray that you’ll never be “quite there yet”! Your journey has touched your soul and the mark of Africa will stay with your heart forever…not business as usual! I can’t wait to see the pictures of your trip—and I’m sure that you above all people will be able to capture it in such away that all of our hearts will be touched beyond measure!
God Bless your tender spirit!
I’m sure you honored them in the way you took your photos- you always seem to do that , so I too like the no words idea.
Amy - I can’t wait to see and hear what Africa was like for you.
Nan Carlson - Meg, I have followed your blog for over a year now and get such joy in your writing and pictures. I noticed a change in you when you started this journey. Your blog became more spiritual and your words were different. While I always loved to read the blog, now I crave it (if that makes sense). I want you to know that your journey has stirred something inside of me that I have been looking for and waiting for. The DRESSES ! Last night I cried to my husband (happy tears) and told him I felt for awhile that God was leading me some place, but I wasn’t seeing it yet. I have had a sewing maching for 4 years and never attempted to learn it, until a month ago. I now know that God is directing me to make the dresses and encourage others to do the same. I just wanted you to know…..keep doing what you do and feeling what you feel. God has put you on this on this path and guided you through this journey for a reason….
Nan
Lisa - We’ll wait as you thoughtfully and prayerfully decide how to share your story. It is so understandable that you are flooded by emotions right now – you need time to process the experience. Take good care of yourself.
Karina - You are certainly entitled to some reverse culture shock after that experience. I look forward to the photos when you are ready.
s.t. - we are so pampered for being able to live here in america…we can easily take everything & everybody for granted. it’s so easy to be greedy & envious of material things or things that doesn’t really last for eternity. it’s humbling when you go to third world countries–children there are just grateful for what they have & people there know how to survive without the updated luxuries/technologies we have & they don’t even complain like spoiled brats!
Andrea @ Big Creek Cottage - When you are ready…for now…so glad you are home safely.
Anne - You are such an inspiration to us all who read this. Whenever I travel, which is more often than most.. I shy away from telling stories and talking about my trip. It’s almost like I want to savor everything I learned, saw, experienced so I remember them longer. Just let your thoughts sink in, getting back to yourself will take a few days..but everything you experienced made you a stronger person. Can’t wait to hear about your travel when you’re ready to share. Until then hug your children and relax! 🙂
sarah - again, I can only imagine what you might be feeling.
and I know you’ll find the words, or the pictures to express and honor your trip and the people there.
I’ll be praying for you as you process all that you saw and experienced.
Julie - I live overseas. Leaving the US, even if it’s just for a short time, can and often does leave one speechless. Take your time to process all you’ve witnessed. I look forward to reading about your experience or just looking at the photos you took. I hope to go to Africa one day. My husband, who went to Somalia (during the Black Hawk down event ~ he’s a Black Hawk pilot and was flying during that event), will never go back so I’ll have to go it alone if I ever make it. It is a goal of mine though.
Kacey - Thanks for checking in. How wonderful that you want to honor them!
jen - Well, all of us just need to keep praying for you and all the people you encountered every time we see polka dots! Polka dots and prayers. I like that. Sending hugs!
Tonya - I have so much respect and admiration for you and the journey you’ve just been on! I’ll be praying that God will direct your next steps. I know you will serve Him and those you encountered on your trip well.
Art Cant Hurt - i think your picture of john 13:14 pretty much said it all.
the human condition and God’s grace came together for you to witness and you desire more of it – for everyone everywhere.
patience, my friend…..
xoxo
Sarah Mahan - Admire you for what you have done! The words will come…if not sometimes pictures speak for themselves.
Jo - Pictures with no words would be a blessing. Just letting us in on your special trip. You definitely left a piece of your heart there, and that’s a good thing. They know you loved the time you had with them!
susan - i’m certain however you decide to share your experience with us, it will be the right way. take care, susan
rebecca - I am so ready to read about your trip, but am willing to wait until you are able to pen with grace to honor those you met! I’ve lurked your blog for a few months now, and I just want to tell you it is a spot of sunshine and inspires me to live more ‘colorfully!’ Take your time – blessings to your family!
traci - Are you familiar with MckMama’s blog? She also just went to Africa with her husband. You should check her out, I think the two of you have much in common. I can’t wait to see your photos. I want to go also and fully anticipate being like you. I actually want to adopt from there and think I would probably be arrested for trying to bring a baby back in my suitcase..lol
God made us to MAKE a difference and you are!!
Molly Pearce - This past weekend me and my husband chaperoned our youth group to Metamorphosis. I witnessed 7 lives get saved and bonded with the kids of my church. Some from broken homes (like me), kids that had to grow up too fast and be the parent, others just lost in translation. It was the most beautiful weekend of my life! By Saturday night there wasn’t a dry eye in the church where the event was held. Me and my husband recommitted our lives to Christ and I can’t even explain the calmness and peacefullness I feel. I am so blessed to have shared this experience with my husband and been able to witness to the children, bond with them and become their friend. I didn’t know how to share my experience to others so I have shared my own testimony on my blog. God is so wonderful and I can’t wait to read how Africa has changed your life. Blessings friend!
~Molly P
Queen Bee - I just recently found your blog and began reading (and reading the archives). Your post today made me cry with joy. I know I could never do the mission trip you did because I too would come back so changed that I am afraid I would never stop crying. I love that you are so tender, so tearful, so thoughtful. I’ll pray for God to send you the inspiration to show the pictures in a way that honor the people you met and the work you did. You are such a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing so honestly.
Colleen - When your eyes are open to a new world it takes a lot of time to adjust to the information your brain is now processing. It can definitely work on your emotions and feeling sad or unsure about a situation that you cannot truly control will bring out the best and wors of emotions…the anger and the tears….the frustration and the appreciation.
I haven’t been to Africa but 2 years ago when our healthy 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer I was thrust into a new world – one I didn’t like but I had no choice, my eyes were now open to this world that I had only heard of and never experienced. It became our reality. We now live by the ‘One day at a time and through the grace of God’ philosophy and we take nothing for granted. Life is good. People are good. And… God… well He is there for all of us. Here, there, sick, healthy…He is the constant.
Take your time and process and then figure out what you can do with this experience.
🙂
angela - I love that you want to HONOR them….that shows your heart.
Kimberlee J. - Take your time. No rush. Feel every emotion and share as God leads.
kim - I have been to Africa, it changes your life.
Kim - I think anyone who’s ever been on a mission trip such as yours can relate. It’s inexplicable – the emotions, the guilt, the fears. Take it to Jesus b/c He wants to use this trip in your life for His glory! I so respect your desire to honor the people you met there. Looking forward to hearing more about it in time!
Barb - Be patient with yourself. We’ll be here when you are ready.
purejoy - i think the coming home part is the hardest part. you have seen so much and experienced something so foreign to our surroundings that it takes time to process. yet you are dumped right back into your life surrounded by people who haven’t been exposed to what you have and it’s just so hard…
take time to process. however long you need. we are patient, even though our words say we can’t wait to see what God has showed you…
waiting…
and praying for your heart.
Jenny (WildWoods) - Meg, take your time.
We are here, waiting with love in our hearts.
Take care of yourself brave girl. xx
elizabeth - I think your instinct to wait is good. And I’m sure there’s so much culture shock when you come back — feelings of being overwhelmed, of guilt of new knowledge —
Your spirit is good and we will wait patiently to learn.
Kate - I’m so sorry. You hang in there. Sleep is good. God gives us rest and peace in our sleep and makes us ready for His purpose. Take your time and know that you are loved. Your kids probably miss you so much. We can wait. You just love on them and know we are looking forward to seeing you.
Tere - I’m crying now, and I don’t know why.
Dena - I completely know where you’re coming from.
My husband and I did a 2 week mission trip, and when we returned it was really hard adjusting.
You come back to “normal life,” instead of these God filled moments, where you live and breath Christ.
It’s in the breakfast you eat and the faces you meet.
Plus, the love of Christ is on fire in other countries. These persecuted countries where the sanctity of Christ is there life blood.
I remember crying and sleeping. Not really wanting to be back. Looking out my window and thinking I’d still be there. It’s like your mind plays tricks on you.
I’m not a huge commenter but I just wanted to say you are going through such a normal transition.
Hang it there.
You did an amazing thing in Christ’s name & for those people.
Jeanne - I adore you!
Diana - whenever you’re ready, you know we will be here… and i agree with a couple of the others… sometimes the photos can speak for themselves… ♥
Kristi - I wanted to say hello and have really enjoyed reading your blog. I have been trying to read it all (and staying up VERY late!) and I’m almost there! You have a beautiful family and beautiful home! Very blessed you are! And your making me want to move to Typepad PRONTO! 🙂
I know you will figure out what you want to say and all your emotions are normal. You have been blessed by this.
Kristi
nicole - thanks for sharing the process….
DreamGirlLisa - You’ll figure it out, I know you will…and we’ll be here to see it when you do:)
lora - OH, I know how you feel! I went on a mission trip to Georgia last year….with my kids. We helped at a vacation bible school. My kids were both saved there. I couldn’t talk about it for weeks. I didn’t have words to describe it.
Becky @ Farmgirl Paints - I think it would be wrong for you to be right right now. Does that make sense? I don’t know how you can experience what you saw and did and EVER be the same. Just embrace the new you! We do. Can’t wait to see the trip through your eyes.
jenni - It is called reverse culture-shock. It is REAL, it hurts. Your life changed when you were in Africa, that is a good thing. In some ways you will never be the same, and this will be a blessing to your family and the world. But it will feel less awkward and sobbing in the bathroom weird-outs will diminish. Take your time and remember these emotions are God-given and Holy.
shelly - Oh Dearest Meg! I pray that you’ll never be “quite there yet”! Your journey has touched your soul and the mark of Africa will stay with your heart forever…not business as usual! I can’t wait to see the pictures of your trip—and I’m sure that you above all people will be able to capture it in such away that all of our hearts will be touched beyond measure!
God Bless your tender spirit!
katie - I went to sierra leone 2 summers in a row… once for 2 weeks and once for 2 months. The culture shock coming back to the states is MUCH worse than going there. It will get better, it just takes a while! It’s an amazing kind of hurt that God puts in our hearts. He broke mine when I went over there and I will forever have a piece of SL in my heart. Hopefully I will go back one day 🙂
Jen - Were you in Kenya, Meg? I was just reading this blog
http://www.thisisreverb.com/
a friend of Pioneer Woman’s who is in Kenya right now. Amazing pictures, amazing stories. I think you would enjoy them right now.
TheBookworm - Take your time to process! ALl of your readers are patient & will be waiting. No need to rush at all!
God Bless!
Gwyn Rosser - So glad you had this experience. I know it’s very difficult to assimilate back into your life here after seeing how they live there. And it’s a very, very emotional investment you have made in the lives of people who just don’t “have”.
My only experience in missions has been to go to an orphanage in Mexico, where our church goes a few times a year. I would feel so guilty for what I had. But realized that what they needed wasn’t what I have materially which I could never give them, but rather what I have spiritually, which I absolutely could give them. Glad you are back home to your family. I’m sure they are thrilled too. 🙂 Blessings!
Gwyn Rosser @ The Pink Tractor
http://www.gwynrosser.blogspot.com
merlin - I am glad that you made it home to your family safely.
Erin Kirby - good luck adjusting, meg! something that powerful and meaningful isn’t something that can be adjusted from so easily….life changing events are just like that. 🙂
good luck my dear!
Susan - Hang in there girl. Do what you can when you’re ready and when it feels right. It will come to you. God makes all things beautiful and possible in His own time. He will work through you.
the wild raspberry - i know that we are so terribly spoiled {and blessed} here in the states.
glad you were able to help some people in need….i’m sure they appreciated it very much.
it must be a very life changing experience.
hope you have a good night with your family and welcome home.
chasity
Susan - I like the pictures and no words idea too. I can imagine they are very powerful. You left a part of your heart in Africa. Glad you are back.
Bec - sometimes the pictures say it all 🙂 no words needed
Staci - I know you will find just the right way to honor those people and your trip 🙂 I have no doubt of that 😉 We are so tremendously blessed aren’t we! We have nooooo idea ;( I bet your family is soooo glad you are home 🙂 I know I am 🙂