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i can’t save them.

August 7, 2017 Filed in parenting

this parenting thing!!!
it’s the most bizarre challenge!
we want our kids to succeed and we try to help them but they don’t want our help.
except when they do… so you can’t quit offering.
you tell them everything you think they need to know and they don’t have to listen.
you can bring them to church their whole lives and they still don’t have to believe what you do.
you can tell them over and over how wonderful they are and they can still hear something else in their head.

why did God give ALL of us free will?  why not just the grown ups?!

we can’t compare our kids to anyone else’s because every family is different.
and we know that no family is perfect – no matter how it may look on the outside.
but sometimes... doesn’t that seem not true for some people?
like that some families are the exception and they ARE doing everything right?
it’s as if they have a secret way to raising kids that always works.

when our kids are little the problems we face are usually pretty fixable.
potty training… picky eaters… poor sleeping… tantrums… sassy talk.
there’s a solution or ways to make it better.
you get to control where they go, what they do and how they do it for almost a decade.
it feels manageable, safe and even measurable – maybe not at the time but looking back those are the words i think of.
then they get older and often it feels like there is no longer anything that is fixable!
the issues are so big!
and potentially life altering on nearly a daily basis!
with teenagers the things you deal with on any given day could include: driving, snap-chatting, dating, faith, sex, drugs, alcohol, suicide, curfews, clothing choices, hormones, depression, anxiety, friendships – to name just a few.
it is a completely different ball game!

there are times when i have no clue what i am doing!
times where craig and i will just stare at each other saying “what should we do?”
i pray “help us guide these kids Lord” over and over.
i need to give God the reins.
i don’t want to be consumed with worry.
i want to trust that God is big enough to handle it all.
and in my heart i know that He is but i definitely struggle with worry and guilt and doubt.
i have to give it over to Him every day.
or at least every day that i remember to give it over and don’t keep it – because i am too busy worrying!

it’s hard to truly grasp that i can’t keep them from messing up.
i cannot save them.
(of course i can’t – i can’t even save myself! thank you jesus for saving me!)
i have to remember that a huge part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them!
how can they know how failing feels if we never let them fail?
how can they trust themselves if we make every decision for them?
how can they learn to get back up if they never get knocked down?
the struggles they face, the things they wrestle with, the choices they make – the good and the bad – are all part of their story.
through those experiences my hope is they learn that God loves them no matter what.

if i have all the answers then i don’t need Jesus.
so i have got to let go and rejoice that I DO need Him and that He’s with me as a mama!
He is with my kids through all the ups and downs they go through whether they realize it or not.
i can’t forget that yes they are my kids but not really – they are God’s!
i have the privilege of being their mom.
but He created them and loves them more than i ever could so seriously i have GOT TO STOP worrying!
my job is point them to jesus.
i have failed so many times at that but thankfully there always seems to be another opportunity to try again.

I’ve been reading this scripture on repeat and praying it over my kids:

“My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth.  I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit – not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength  – that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in.  And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love.  Reach out and experience the breadth!  Test its length!  Plumb the depths!  Rise to the heights!  Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. 
God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working with in us, his Spirit deeply and gently with in us.”  Ephesians 3:14-20 The Message

this is helping my heart as i parent five teenagers/young adults.

what i want the most for my kids is a relationship with Jesus.
i can trust that no matter where they go they can find Him.
it doesn’t have to be in the way i think it should be or in my timing – god knows everything about them!
they don’t have to be in a certain occupation or youth group or college or church.
those things are not barriers for God.
He makes himself seen absolutely everywhere so i can rest in the fact that He is there with them – everywhere and anywhere!

and i will keep praying for them to open the door and invite Him in.

add a comment

D - <3 U

jo - Meg, Timely post with a lot of young people heading off to college at the time of year. Sometimes we think we’ve given them all the tools and foundation and yet they will still will make wrong choices. We have to make sure we stay connected to them and let them know how much we love them. Thanks for the reminder that we can’t take it all on our shoulders….

Stephanie Johnson - Thank you so much for this post. This momma’s heart really needed to hear it right now. I struggle with these same things SO much! And this summer seems to have been harder than ever. Thank you for the reminder that God is in control & there is no barrier that He can not overcome

Liz - Hi! What’s funny about this post is that I often see your family as the one that is “doing it all right”; that is “perfect”!! I have 5 and 6 year-old boys, and I hope and pray every day that I am raising them to be able to successfully navigate the challenges they will face. I know it won’t be perfect, but one can hope 🙂

jennibell - “how can they know how failing feels if we never let them fail?
how can they trust themselves if we make every decision for them?
how can they learn to get back up if they never get knocked down?” Ugh. THANK YOU for this. I know you’ve mentioned before that it’s hard to write about your kids and “teenager” things because it’s so personal. I get it. My oldest is younger than your oldest and my youngest is older than your youngest so I’m right there in with you (minus one). Thank you for sharing and showing me that I’m NOT alone and pointing me to MY Father who created them, loves them (and me), and for some unfathomable reason gave them to US to raise in His love. It’s overwhelming. And such a privilege. And I worry so much that I’m not doing it “right”. And then I see that others have the same insecurity and know that we need to bond together, pray together and never stop. You and your blog are a blessing to me Meg.

Danielle Flaming - TRUTH! Wow! Loved your words! May we all keep our eyes on Him!

Jennifer Greeley - What a wonderful scripture to read. I’m saving it. I’m on the verge of the teenage years and I can so see how this is going to help.

shelly - Yes. Yes. Yes!!! This momma to 3 teenage boys feels the same way but couldn’t have expressed it as so eloquently as you did. Thank you!!!

Se7en's Fabulous Fun Post #352 - se7en | se7enSe7en's Fabulous Fun Post #352 - se7en - […] Parenting teens… Oh Meg Duerksen on Whatever has a way with words: I Can’t Save Them. […]

Kellie - So much this! We are preparing to send our only child off to college next week and I am worried about ALL of the things. I pray she makes good choices, I pray she hears all of my warnings about safety, I pray that she wakes up for class on time! Parenting big kids is so hard. Change is so hard.

Kristen Kerwin - Been following you for-like-ever…and your parenting posts are some of my favorites. Because you say that things that I can only whimper out…and you encourage me always! (And I love your heart / home / rainbows / and so much more) Thank you for this incredibly timely reminder (well, I need this DAILY!) that God holds our kiddos close, and us as well. But I’m with you on that ‘free will’ thing…can’t it kinda be more of a “25 and up” thang? 😉 Praying over both of our mommy hearts!

Cheri - Great thoughts, Meg! You know what they say…little kids, little problems…big kids, big problems. I’m in what they call the sandwich generation:). We have 4 adult kids, 6 grandchildren, and ailing parents. We are always taking care of someone:). Life was sailing along beautifully…all 4 kids were making great decisions. College, good jobs, great husband choices, adorable grand babies. Then our son got addicted to pornography, and our youngest daughter decided to close up her bible and walk away from Jesus! I felt like I’d fallen off a cliff. Really hard stuff. We have learned so much these past 10 years…yes, it’s been a long journey! I remember my son’s counselor telling us that it was going to take a long time to get him where he needs to be…I remember telling my husband that this whole nightmare may take up to a year to fix!!! Im glad now I didn’t realize that it would take more like 10 years!!!Thanks to Jesus and Pure Life ministries, our son is leading an overcoming life, but we still have a prodigal on our hands! Keeps us on our knees:). My husband and I have made it through some very tough years only because of Jesus. One day when I was stewing and worrying and trying to manipulate a situation, God whispered to me, “you’re not trusting me”! It’s quite freeing when you realize that God’s got this and He loves your kids more than you do! I’ve read your blog for some time now…your going to make it!

Ingrid - You have no idea how much I needed this post. Just now I am struggling with parenting a teen. I worry, yell, fret, love, and try to get it right. Often I forget to hand it and him over to God. Parenting, it’s not for cowards.

Christine - Dear Meg, as a fellow saved by grace mama of six kids ranging from ages 21-5. I completely feel you in your heartfelt post. Our oldest was a hard young child and a pretty easy teen who is married and serving God today. Our 2nd is a whole other story. This boy put us through it for 3 long years. He is living for God now, a real blessing and makes us beyond proud. A couple of take-aways from our experience with that whole experience was: 1. God’s grace on us as we felt so alone and like such failures. On our son to bring him back and forgive him. 2. To see other parents differently. No one is perfect and even the best of us can have wayward children. Like you said even if we do our best, they still have free will. 3. My commitment to my savior. Nothing makes you look at your own heart and walk with God than adversity. Do I believe what I say? Why do I believe that? Is it worth the fight? The time on my knees?
I see now that all of those nights of being woken from sleep to lay a hold of God for our son were very well worth it. The stands I made no matter how it may have affected my relationship with our son (at that time), worth it. The…you get the picture.
Hang in there, my fellow mama. You and your hubby are doing the right thing. Stay on your knees for your babies no matter how old they are. God hears your prayers. He wants them saved more than you. He has a way of getting the attention of our kids. Don’t give up or compromise. They are watching, seeing if it (your relationship with God) is worth it…something they can give their lives for.
I will be praying for you and your babies. Can’t wait to one day read your testimonies of answered prayers.
Golly, this ended up being a long comment…sorry.

Sara - I like this…I like you. I like that you are willing to type out what most moms are going through. Trust and prayer are what we have. We just have to remember how powerful both are. Prayers for your heart.

Tina - Oh my. What a perfect post. We are having some hard times with our teens right now and it only seems HARD and I have to constantly remind myself to not compare ourselves to other families who seem to be doing everything right and enjoying their teens and relishing the “joy” of their big kids while we’re over here STRUGGLING. Several months ago, I commented on another post you had written about mom things and how lonely it was parenting a teenager with difficulties. You sent me a private email that I saved and have referred to it many times. Thanks for your wise words yet again. Sure I’ll save this post too;-)

Jen - Boy, if this isn’t the truth as a mother of 4 boys (3 already adults) I often tell my husband THIS is the hardest part of parenting!! I wasn’t prepared for them to be adults, I long for the days of feetie pjs, pb&j, and cartoons!

Ruth - After a rough parenting Monday, (Children ages: 17, 15, 12 and 1) this was exactly what I needed to remember. Thank you Meg. May God bless us all in this journey…

patti-rae redekopp - AMEN!!!! Praying for your and your family. Thank you for being transparent and real. May God meet you right IN this .. Lean IN.. Just Be Held. Trust. HE ALWAYS HAS YOU. In the chaos..HE IS CALM.

Lauren - Long-time reader…thanks for being honest and sharing your thoughts and your heart here.

Kelly - So much yes!!! Great post! ❤️

Kathy Leach - A post for every parent….no matter how old our “kids” are. It never ends and the worry is constant. Thank you for this!

Lisa - Meg – one more thing. I just went of Chuck Swindoll’s daily devotion for 08-07-2017 and he ALSO quoted the Ephesians Bible verse! On the same day…check it out! 🙂

Andrea - Timely words! Raising teenagers is so hard and I needed to be reminded to keep turning them over to God. Thank you!

Lisa - Oh boy …… I’m so thankful to have found your blog. ( years ago!) You speak right to the heart of the teen-rearing mom! Thank you for being open and reminding us to follow the Lord – the creator of our children!

Praise | Chica Chick - […] a quiet moment this morning I read this blog post. By the time I made it to the bottom of the post my heart was in prayer. Thanking God for the […]

Elisa - I should also add that it’s hard to look back on old blog posts- to days when life was more simple but also a lot more work with younger kids. I miss those days.

Elisa - I skated through the teenage years pretty easily with my first one but my 2nd one is giving me a run for my money. I worry, I cry, I drink wine….
and wonder how I will make it through 3 and 4.

No words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know I am right there with ya.

Hugs mama!

Kate S. - Respect your kids’ decisions. Just because YOU need faith in your life to sustain yourself, doesn’t mean any of them ever will. Some people do just fine on their own. If I were your child and I read this post, beseeching “the lord” to help me, I would feel unheard, misunderstood, and as though my mother didn’t respect my life choices.

Sabrina - My kids are so little right now and there are days we wish they would be potty trained, not throw tantrums, eat all their food, play nice… But then my husband and I tell each other, With Big Kids come Big Problems! So we are trying to not wish these days away either. I know the problems and worries teens today face and I know they will be there in 10 years and maybe worse. I just keep praying the Lord will guide me as a mom and watch over my children as they grow. Thanks for your words!

Alice H - You hit the nail on the head! I think what frustrates me most is people with their dumb advice when they try to act like it is the parents fault for what their kids are doing or that a good ol’ butt whooping is what will do the trick. I made lots of mistakes as a young teen. It was hard but I got through them. Even as an adult, I have my mess ups. Sorry for whatever you are going through at this time.

Hannah Warren - oh my! i so needed this right now! i worry about my teen all day every day and probably lecture her way more than i should because i am so scared of her making wrong choices! AHH! teens are so fun but sometimes i miss the days of no naps and sippy cups. i thought i was stressed then! HA! thank you for keeping it real!!

Lorri - Oh, that pesky free will! You are so very right, Meg. One of the hardest things we can do as parents is let our kids make their own decisions and do their own thing – and reap the natural consequences of their actions. Sure, it’s great when it’s great. But when it’s not, and it leads to setbacks, disappointments, fractured relationships … ug. Those ups and downs can bring us closer to God, and that is where we belong. Best to you and yours, Meg.

Lori H - Meg, I have followed your blog forever…you were one of the first blogs I followed! And it never fails that you have interesting, relevant and also fun things to impart. But today..TODAY you have posted exactly what this mama needed to hear. And also to hear that you are going through some of the same things I am. Thank you!! I plan to read this post again soon (and again) and to print out that scripture from The Message to remind me.

Kimberly Dial - Meg, this post was so on point with a decision that was made in my family just today that I know it’s not a coincindence that I acutally decided to get on Blogger today to read a few of the blogs I follow (yours being one of them)something I hadn’t done in forever. That you for sharing this. You’re right, worry is not the answer (but oh so hard to avoid) but point them to Jesus is the answer. I’ve followed you for years and have enjoyed your blog but today, the Lord used you to bless me and provoke me to thought. Thank you 🙂

Kelly Krause - Right there with you! Every day I feel like a failure. Like I am not doing this job well enough. Like other Moms and families are doing so much better. That a Christian family should only look one way. That maybe it’s too late to influence my big ones…but I know better. I get compliments about my kids’ character all of the time. They are making godly decisions. I often fail to see the positives. But oh, #givemeallthepreschoolers!

Dena - Really great post. Thank you

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deep thoughts on parenting…

January 15, 2017 Filed in faith,parenting

i have been thinking about blogging for weeks but my thoughts have just been very jumbled.
i couldn’t come up with words about living rooms or paint colors or recipes because…
ya’ll… this raising big kids thing is no joke.
parenting kids at any age is no easy job but this whole tween/teenager/semi-grown kids phase???
dude.

i love my kids to the moon and back.
being their mom has been and will forever be the best thing i ever do.
i think they are fabulous.  i think they are smart.  i know they are a gift straight from the Lord.
but oh my heck… sometimes it’s craaaaazy!


it’s not any one particular child or circumstance that is tough.
no one is perfect and i would never expect that from them.
One of the biggest challenges for me continues to be how different every single day can be!!!
i never know what to expect!
between the homework, teachers, practices, coaches, peer pressures, mean girls, mean boys, bosses, emotions, hormones, chores, cars, deadlines and 50 other things… it is always something to get your heart rate up in one way or another on a daily basis.
sometimes its for good things where you are super proud of your kid’s accomplishments and other times it’s… not.
sometimes i am so mad at the way my kid has been treated.
sometimes i am so mad at the way my kid was treating someone else.
and on and on and on.

i have been a mama for almost 22 years.
i have messed up so much.
so badly wish i could go back and know then what i know now.
i look back and think “how could you not see that megan?!”
sighhhhhh.
i wish i had responded with much more grace to poor behavior.
(but in defense of that mom back then… she hadn’t slept a full night in a decade soooo…)
not that i was a wild screaming dictator before but when my kids were little i felt i could “fix” things with a time out or a nap.
and a loud voice too.
so when they got older… my voice got louder & naps and time-outs turned into grounding.
and lots of frustration – from me and from my kids too.
all these years later i can see that “bad” behavior is something that can be met with questions, discussions & gentleness instead of shouting, anger & consequences.   i just could not wrap my mind around that before.
if you had told me several years ago in my own words what i just said i would have told you that you were naive & clueless and your kids are probably walking all over you.
i still believe in consequences but quite often the natural consequences are enough.
an example could be if a child didn’t do their homework & the coach says she can’t play in a game that week – that is a natural consequence.
instead of me laying down more punishment on top of that i can say “what is your plan to not miss your homework again?  how can i help you meet that goal? why do you think you didn’t do that before? how can you do things differently now”

in the past when there were poor choices made i would get mad.
mad at the kid.  mad at the choice.   just plain mad.
it was all reaction and no responding.
and then somewhere along the way i just got tired of feeling mad all the time.
something switched and now i have a desire to understand their thinking, talk it out calmly (or attempt to) and asking where they are struggling and if they know why?
it doesn’t always work BUT i feel so much better after we have parented in that way.
it feels right!
i can lay my head on my pillow at night knowing that i was calm… i was loving… i wasn’t manipulating guilt or pouring on shame… and i was honest.
(of course i still fail at this often because i am human)
because no matter what i want my kids to feel SEEN & HEARD & LOVED even if they screwed up majorly.
and if i am always mad – HOW would they feel those things?

when they were younger i didn’t really understand that all these little shorties running around my house were PEOPLE.
that sounds ridiculous i know but we just had baby after baby and it was kind of a decade of survival mode.
not in a traumatic kind of way but in a sleep deprived, out numbered, monotonous eat-cry-sleep-repeat kind of way.
there wasn’t a lot of thinking about their teenage years.
i could basically control their whole world… our entire day was doing whatever i wanted us all to do.
and when they got a little older – suddenly they didn’t always want to be part of my plan.
letting go of control was and still is hard!
but it’s necessary for them to become their own person.
i don’t want five little Meg robots who are just like me.
i want happy kids who feel awesome to be themselves even if (and especially if) they are the opposite of me or their dad.

each of us is given free will – even my own children! (gasp!)
no matter how much i try to instill my values onto my kids – they still get to choose their own path.
period.
i have to remind myself time and again that a bad choice does not equal bad kid.
nor does a poor choice equal a crappy mother who is to blame.
and instead of scrambling to fix it or rescuing them from the natural consequence or laying down my own consequence on top of what has already happened… i can step back, assess the damage, try to understand why it happened and ask where is the lesson in this situation?
and if necessary – issue a consequence that is fair and not made hastily in anger.

OH HOW I WISH I COULD HAVE PARENTED LIKE THIS 20 YEARS AGO!!!

there is nothing that can be done to change the past.
i can apologize when i am wrong (something i suck at!) and i can strive to do better in the future.
i can be honest with my kids and with my husband.
i need to confide in my girlfriends and listen to their advice.
being fake helps no one.
i can change the conversation in my home about choices, actions & expectations in love and not anger.
and therapy helps everybody.
it’s true.
everyone should go to therapy… it’s good for the soul.

if i was excellent at this parenting gig – i wouldn’t need Jesus.
I am so glad i don’t have to do this on my own!   i am so happy i have a Savior who is also my friend.
i can pray for His grace to cover the mistakes in my mothering.
i pray that i’ll show His love to my kids and when i don’t do that well that HE would love them even harder.
i pray that He will relentlessly pursue my kids’ hearts in whatever way He chooses.
that He will give me faith to trust His plan for my family in the good, the bad and the downright ugly.

parenting big kids is way harder than i expected and 100 times cooler than i ever thought.
i had no idea teenagers were so much fun!  obviously it’s not fun all of the time but way more than i ever knew to expect.
it’s a roller coaster of feeling all the emotions to extremes practically every day.
as a mom to 5 older kids – i am exhausted and exhilarated all the time.
i’m not awesome at it but i’m not going to give up trying.
i am overjoyed to be their mom.

add a comment

Cassandra - I just came back to read this post a second time. Thank you for this post, my oldest is 6 so I have a ways to go with this parenting gig I appreciate truth from those “ahead” of me. And thank goodness for God’s grace in it all!!

Rebekah - I rarely comment, but this just spoke to me! The thing about controlling our children’s behaviors is–we truly can’t, even when we think we can. Control is always about ME making MYSELF feel less anxious about getting assignments done on time, or about ME being less embarrassed by their mistake, or less worried that they’re going to end up in juvi or homeless or a not nice human being. Control is a technique I wrongly employ to help ME! Why is that my go to parenting? I don’t know. But your message resonates with me. Love, parent, discipline, but give up the control. God has me and them all in His hands anyhow. Thank you so much, Megan. I love your cheerful, happy corner of the web!

Laura - SO. VERY. TRUE.

Thank you, Meg for putting into words what us older moms know to be truth. May younger moms use your words to benefit their families.

Leslie @Farm fresh Fun - This is gold and why I’ve been following you for years as your kids and mine grow!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Laura - Such truth! My kids are 12-25 and I tell people all the time I thought it was suppose to get easier! It’s so much harder than I thought it would be. Their problems are so REAL and BIG! Parenting big kids isn’t for wimps, that’s for sure. Thankful every day for God’s grace and peace. Keep soldiering on 🙂

Heidi Garrett - Oh how I needed to hear this today! I have two teenagers and two littles, and somehow 3rd grade homework and preschool drama are NOTHING in comparison to raising teens. I am winging it!!! It is wonderful, but so tricky and new. Thank you for your encouraging post!

Bekkah - Hi Meg :]

I have been following your blog for a few years now, and it’s so crazy to see how old your children are now!! Especially Annie because she was so little when I first started reading, and she always reminded me a little of myself. 😛

Thanks for sharing this! I am particularly sitting with this line: “i still believe in consequences but quite often the natural consequences are enough…”

because that’s what God has been showing me about his heart towards me. Bless.

Have a good weekend!! xo

jennibell - I hope I have time to come back and read more of these comments. . .but as it is it has taken me 5 days to get around to this one — and I’ve been motivated to read it b/c I knew it would be chock-full of “good stuff”. Meg, love your heart and your honesty and your thoughts. Thank you for them. We have 4 ages 13-18. . .I have followed your blog for YEARS and taken MUCH of your advice b/c you’re right — we cannot do this “alone”. Listening to friends is very important (is that weird that I consider someone I don’t know IRL a “friend”?). Anyway, I shared this on my FB b/c last week I shared http://amycarney.com/blog/walk-away-from-doing-these-8-things-for-your-teen-this-school-year/ and got (some) flack. . .I’m a MS teacher and Amy Carney’s thoughts just hit me right. Your post was more about Jesus and love and mistakes and grace and a good balance — I agree with and will continue to refer to both posts often. Thank you for taking your time, opening up, and letting us know that we are not alone and encouraging us to be “better”.

Iris Brown - This is powerful & heart wrenching. I recognize myself in the shameful before & after. This post highlights that we are in a position to make changes so we are not reacting when we only have fumes (which is often) & to make provisions by complete dependence on Jesus.

I made these harsh & unfair judgments on my mother raising 3 girls by herself in even more dire circumstances. Only when I started raising my own kids I realize I need to cut her some slack and now towards myself.

OMG this was so good & so helpful so powerful! (Sigh) I need to chew on this for a while.

Lindsay Soetaert - THANK YOU for sharing your wisdom with us!! I had 4 children in under 6 years and I totally resonated with your statement about having baby after baby and how our mind has to shift into realizing they are actual people. And I certainly don’t want little robots of me, or just robots in general. I LOVE their personality and fire and everything else that makes them unique and wonderful and at times challenging. I have printed out a few of your blog posts in the past as reminders, and this one will definitely be one of them!

Carrie - Oh goodness this is appropriate for me. My oldest is 9 and we have entered an unusual phase. My sweet and happy little girl is a moody and often disrespectful little girl. Not to anyone outside of our family but nevertheless it has left me floundering. We have talked to her gently and my husband tends to react before thinking but I finally had it tonight. I told her that I knew that she was going through a lot and that she might not always be in the best mood but that being disrespectful was stopping today or there will have to be consequences. I told her that instead of snapping at me, using unkind words, or rolling her eyes that she needed to let me knew she was not in a good mood or that she was having a rough time. I tell her a lot that we are both learning this tween stage together and we need to figure it out. I have not lost my cool but I actually think that might happen soon and it might be a wake up call to her. But currently my 6 year old is a breeze!

Tanya H - I have thought about this a LOT lately. Especially the natural consequences, vs adding my own. Isn’t life challenging enough?? Sheesh mom!
I have kids close to Talby and Annie’s ages and a newborn. I am SO much calmer now, with all of them. I care so much less about how other mom’s do “it”, and what other people think I should do, and so much more about what my kids think and how they feel about things. Maybe it comes with age, or just the time spent being the mom… But I love your post and agree with everything. Nice to know we’re all learning and improving… 🙂

Lori Tacchino - I love this so much, Meg! Thank you so much for being real and honest.

Kimberlee - I love you.
That is all.

Annie - This is so good. I’m struggling with yelling and resentment, quickly followed by guilt and despair. I needed this today. Thank you for sharing.

Louise - Oh wow, Meg, I needed to read this today. I have yelled too much today and reacted poorly to my boys’ poor behavior. Thank you so much for the opportunity to press the reset button, apologize, and try again. So grateful for you.

Andrea - AMEN!
My oldest, who just turned 22, was home after graduating college in December – but just before she moved 2200 miles away to be on her own. She saw me dealing with our youngest and said “where was that Mom when I was little?” It made me cry later (I didn’t want to cry in front of her and make her feel guilty) because she’s right. The yeller, the mom who is tired and frustrated would yell and ground and threaten and use guilt, and that mom isn’t here any more. I think the hardest thing about her moving away from home to be her own person was letting her go, and for me knowing the wrong or right, her childhood is her past now. I wish I knew then what I know now, like you said. Adult kids are awesome and cool and so much fun, and the worries are there but different, so I’m not done being her mom, but I do have a different kind of importance now. God’s got us, Meg.
Great post!

cathie w. - Ditto everyone’s positive comments!!!!

While reading I kept thinking YES….This is how I feel and what I am striving for as a mother.

Thank you for putting this into words and sharing so opening.

Lisa - I remember the moment I realized my 5, where little people.
It changed me. After I quit crying.
Remember no one is perfect, no one is the mother that they really want to be, we’re too human. And how would kids even survive life, if they have that perfect upbringing?
I don’t know you, but I know you are a good mom.
When you’re having doubts,,, go to walmart, look around, observe. Or watch the news.
We’ve experienced, that about the time our girls have left the nest, they get feisty and critical of their parents. The mature ones have said, hey, you did what you knew to do,nobody’s perfect.
The less mature ones, well, they’re still feisty. Their choice.
Don’t get discouraged.
The lord, he knows our hearts. He understands.

Jen - Oh Meg, THANK YOU so much for this post. I feel like I’m walking around MAD too much and I don’t want to be there! I love your advice about meeting bad behavior with questions, discussion & gentleness; that is something I am going to try much harder to do! Blessings on the rest of your week!

Elisa - From what you shared, I think you’ll like these two things:
book: Seven Desires of Every Heart
Instagram, blog, etc: Danny Silk – loving your kids on purpose https://instagram.com/p/BO9zyigDjXT/

kensie - love.
I’m a mom to a 1, 2, 3 year old.
Stuff is tough.
Thanks for the perspective and rubber-meets-the-road advice.

I’m a little afraid of feeling all of what I feel now PLUS what you say is on the way.
Oy.

Thank the Lord we have Him.
Love your writing- Kensie

LIsa - Oh Meg –
I just clicked over to your blog today on a break at work and
I think you wrote this JUST for me!
I also need to remind myself that my kids are not robots of me.
and they have their own free will (double gasp!).
It WAS so easy when they were little and we could plan their days!
We have really great kids , but the ups and downs and change of plans each day/hour can be exhausting. I feel like numerous texts come in each day about new plans with friends or projects due, etc…..
Today our second daughter turns 13! So fitting to be reminded of great ideas for raising great kids!
Thank you, Lisa

Kristin F. - This was so, so good and something I absolutely needed to hear. I’m a yeller and the more frustrated I get, the louder I become. Just last night I had to back down on some consequences because they were too harsh for the action. Thanks for helping me keep myself in check. xo

Sally Carne - GREAT article. I also have recently switched to the “let’s sit down and try to understand the choice made” instead of punishments for my teens and step children (we are a blended family with 6 kids, all tweens or teens). I finally figured out that in the end I will feel better about trying to parent out of love than expectations, but getting here was rough, just as you explained above! I have been one of your original followers of your blog, and I have loved every entry over the years – I found you while searching for the rainbow cake oh so many years ago. Thank you, I enjoy your experiences!

Jennie - my son (my first) is ten months today, and i soaked up every single word of this. not that i’ll never get mad. but thank you.

Kristin S - Meg, I just shared this on my Facebook wall. That’s a lot of guts since I don’t even have kids! BUT so many friends have teens and I just couldn’t not share. It’s the same people I screenshotted (when did that become a verb?) your podcast with Kendra last summer and sent it to them. Friends who need hope. I love your perspective from experience and love and Jesus.

Thank you for sharing!

SC - Needed this today. I opened up my computer during lunch today to google “how to discipline my 15 year old boy”….I was out of ideas..he does so well most of the time then out of no where -BOOM….he’s made a poor decision that has landed him in trouble…and it makes me so angry… I start blaming my parenting….I worry about what he’s teaching his younger siblings,..it just a hopeless cycle and I end up MAD…and he knows I’m mad…and I know he feels guilty but what good does that do? My first instinct is to “discipline” by punishments…taking phone away, grounding, no social media….but I realize it doesn’t work… today I was out of ideas…I realize my google search was on how to punish… not how to nurture, teach and be loving when my child has done something wrong. Thank you for the lesson today.

Christin - These words spoke right to my heart. Thank you

Courtney - yes. thank you for these words. I needed them. I feel like I want to laugh, cry, smile and jump up for joy all at the same time. this parenting thing is NO joke!! (6 kids. 2 adopted. ages 15-6 years old.)

Kim B - Well said! Thanks for sharing!

Routhie - Thank you for being so honest and sharing your wisdom. I’ve got a tween and a teen and I find myself forever wishing things were done differently. Sometimes, you just need to hear from someone else the obvious thing to do.

Amy - Yep. I am right where you are. I have 7 children 21,19,17,15,13,10 and 8. It’s a roller coaster I never expected. In a lot of ways it’s harder parenting with more sleep. The things you worry about seem more serious. Instead of worrying if they should eat chicken nuggets I am worried they will drive carefully. I am a worrier by nature and so teenage years are especially hard for me. And wow I am amazed how times have changed. I am the old fashioned mom that still gives her teenagers curfews, don’t allow them to spend the night with the opposite sex, and gives the consequences for messing up grades or attitudes. But I am learning to let them have control and show them trust in situations that make me uncomfortable too. That has been hard. I think like you said it’s a control thing. But giving them rules and trust is turning out to be a great balance. I am working on not flipping my lid in situations. Being graceful is so much better but more important than that is admitting my mistakes and apologizing. I think that has helped our relations with our teens to show them we are trying to figure this out with them and we get things wrong too. We aren’t the dictators and demand respect. We have to show them respect just like what we want from them. Thanks for writing this post!

Ella - Our kids are ages 20, 17, 16, 15, 6 & 2. I’m so grateful to see my own motherly ruminations here today. Busy moms have trouble connecting regularly with other busy moms in those deeper & so meaningful discussions these days. I needed to see/hear what I had rolling around in my own grey matter in order to fully process it. I was an angry mom for years when my eldest was transitioning from elementary to middle school. That was on the heels of a very literally smoke & mirrors crazy custody battle regarding DH’s DD. It wasn’t until I took my eldest for some needed counseling that I realized how angry I’d become & how dysfunctional our parenting was heading as a result. My biggest take away was learning to let go of all the things I truly had no control over. That included my kiddos mistakes weren’t mine & I didn’t need to own them any more. I just needed to help them figure out why they made them & how they could do better the next time they were faced with a similar situation. I don’t believe I’ll ever stop learning & growing. These kids are constant teachers & God’s grace is amazingly generous.

Whitney - I love this. Thank you! I hope you never give up blogging completely.😊

Shannon - Thank you for this post. I’ve been struggling in some areas lately….and this was good to read! Thank you for your raw and honest words! Mothering is a very hard AND rewarding job! There’s a whole lot of “if I knew then what I know now”….! I get that!! I will treasure this post in days to come!! Thank you!

Ann - Best post ever. As a mom of littles I take all the wisdom of more experienced moms that I can get. Thank you!!

Nina - Awesome article! I’m just getting into the older kid stage, my oldest son just turned 11 and he has three brothers 5,7,9. I feel like I’m mad a lot and I hate that! I also struggle with their poor choices being a reflection of my parenting.

LindaP - Love this. Plain and simply love it. Having 2 teen boys right now is the hardest and greatest thing ever and you captured it all. We don’t do ourselves any favors by pretending it’s all good all the time. The day in and day out can be tough but the overall is the best!

Alice H - Being a parent is so HARD!!! I agree with everything you wrote.
I have a senior daughter who is getting ready to graduate and leave me for college, a sophomore son, and then I started over and have a first grade boy also. Every day, every age, every stage is a different struggle.

I have been struggling with the homework situation with my sophomore boy. I was so mad. I finally had to step back and let go. I told him I knew what he was capable of. And that if he needed help, all he had to do was ask and I would get him tutoring, etc. So hopefully now with me off of his butt, he will realize what he wants to do.

Kristen - It looks to me like they love having you as their mom, as much as you love being their mom. Thank you for the way that you share your family, and God’s role in it. You inspire me to be a real-er mom to my 4 kiddos, and I’m grateful for you!

Tina - Its like you KNEW that I needed this post. Thank you. I never thought that when I was struggling with 5 babies in 6 years that anything could possibly be harder….then I had teenagers. I want to be more compassionate and understanding, but I’m also walking a fine line with a couple of kids who have behavior problems that sometimes puts them in danger. I also wish I had known when they were younger how lonely parenting teens can be. There’s always a village when you need advice about diapers or potty training or feeding or bottles, etc, but I find that my teenagers problems are not mine to share with others. Its a little isolating.

Thanks again for the great advice.

Kimberly - Your blog is my favorite!! I love all of it– and I especially love these parenting blogs because I have 3 little ones 5 and under. It’s nice to hear from someone further down the parenting road than me. Someone besides my mom– who’s is wonderful, but, you know– it’s good to hear from a neutral party. Thanks for sharing this!

Lee - Oh Meg! Hugs from one mom to another! Transparency, wisdom, truth and on and on . . . . . You said it all so well. Other moms will be encouraged by your words! My girls are adults now raising their own children and I will be encouraging them to read this blog. (one of my daughters & I came to a craft weekend & loved it!) Blessings and grace to all moms!!!!!!!

Amy - All that you wrote are my thoughts exactly! I struggle with wishing I could go back to when they were little and parent differently. I struggle with trying not to be to demanding of them and knowing that they have to learn from natural consequences and that I cannot control or fix everything they do. I miss when they were little but this age is so awesome too. Parenting is HARD!

Ruth - Thank you Meg, for starting my week off this way! With 3 in the same stages as yours I very much relate, am grateful for your can do and say amen to every word! Much Love.

Jennifer - Really great post. Thanks for sharing and thanks for being honest. Wonderful words of wisdom and insight. I’m fast approaching the teenage years and this helps with perspective. You’re doing great! Can’t wait to see you next month!

Cindy - I have 2 teenage girls and this is just so good! Thank you for sharing with us.

Brady W. - Aaaaaannnnd….cue the knife to my heart. Your (should I say God’s??) timing couldn’t have been better with this post. I just had a yelling match with my 5 year old son last night that resulted in both of us in tears (pathetic, I know–who fights with a 5 year old?!?). As I was yelling at him, I was arguing in my head about whether or not that was the best way to handle it. “But if I don’t yell, he doesn’t listen or do what I say. I’ve explained it nicely 15 times!” “If I just stop yelling and hug him, will this fight be over?” “But if I hug him, is he going to understand that what he did is wrong?” It was a CONSTANT back and forth and I realized last night more than ever that all I did was frustrate myself and my son and make the devil dance with joy that he was winning. It’s SO hard to know the “right” way to parent. The sad part is it takes making so many mistakes to figure out what works the best–thank God for His grace and that my kids are so forgiving! I’ll be praying for you (and myself-ha!) to have wisdom and grace and forgiveness. Mommin’ ain’t easy! Hang in there!

Maureen - Yes! Parenting older teens is a whole new game! I, too, have parenting regrets and parenting wishes and “why didn’t I?” and the whole rush of emotions of having these boys-almost-men in my house. Feeling nostalgic many days and proud and afraid of what the future holds and excited all at the same time. Thank you for your post. Mothers unite!

Patty - Amen to that lady! My kids are 23 and 27. It is so cool to see them be the awesome, successful adults they are and enjoy them as such, but you still parent/give advice which they take into account and act on/don’t act on… When my daughter was in middle school I’d send her and her friends off with a “Make good choices girls!” (think Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday) It started as a joke, but when moments were right I’d follow up with a deeper conversation. “Life is made up of choices. We make them sometimes good, sometimes bad. Learn from your choices. I hope you make more good choices than bad. Most importantly, I just don’t want any bad choices to affect you, or someone else for the rest of your/their lives.”

Cara - this was an answer to prayer. thank you, thank you, thank you for being real, honest and vulnerable on the internet. God wanted me to read this today. i don’t know you but i am extremely grateful for your obedience in stepping out and sharing your heart on this matter. bless you and your sweet beautiful family!

Andrea - Thank you, thank you, thank you! I arrived home last night from a weekend away with several older christian moms and grandmothers but somehow felt more overwhelmed and discouraged than ever because I don’t have it all together like they do. Your honesty was the best encouragement ever!!!!!! The timing of your post was amazing and so God speaking through you!!! Sharing your heart has helped me more than ever! I am so glad you shared!!!

Trina - AAAAHHHH! This had me in full fledged ugly cry mode! I’m in the “toddler mom” stage of life and I feel so defeated a lot of days. I feel like I yell too much. That I’m not patient enough. That I expect too much. And while all of that is something I will struggle with on the daily (because I’m human), this post was soooo encouraging to me, because it reminded me of things I already know, but things I still desperately need to hear. Jesus covers my mistakes and His grace is what I need to lean on. Grace is also something I need to bestow upon my children…and honestly myself when I’m disappointed with the amount of times I’ve lost it with my kids that day. Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting something that is super poignant for me at this point in my life!

Gevay - I love this. This is a good word. It’s humble and honest and raw. Thanks for sharing your heart and your wisdom to those of us on the cusp of this.

Abby - I think I have been holding my breath for this post for a long time. thanku. I am a mama of 5 children also we are very slowly climbing out of the babyhood trenches (our youngest is 2 and our oldest 10). I have felt the need to shift away from anger and timeouts but not sure what to do. I have felt that there is a better way to discipline my older children. Thank u for shining a small light on the path I need.

se7en - Isn’t this post the truth!!! Love it… Parenting littles is exhausting in a completely different way than parenting teens, which is definitely not for sissies!!! I had this idea that they would grow up and sleep and become more and more capable and sleep(!)… and then kind of slide out of home… its nothing like that. Their needs are bigger and can’t always be fixed with a sleep… they do sleep, but not before two in the morning and if you want to stay close with them… then that’s when they chat!!! It is a giant rollercoaster of the best of times and the most trying times, all in a state of fatigue!!! Is it worth it? You had better believe it, they may not be the people I expected them to be, but I really like them, just as they are!!! Of course I am their mother so I love them completely… but I really like them. I want to hang out with them and spend evening playing games and catching up with them… the ultimate achievement is to get through all this growing up, for all of us and out the other side and still be liking each other totally!!!

Christy - Thanks. Your post was just what I needed to here this weekend. As a mom newly experiencing the “older kids” years I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately by the same things. I find myself looking back with regret at decisions I made, responses I had, etc. hoping they know I meant only the best for them. That I love them so much it sometimes physically hurts. Instead I need to be looking forward and praying for more grace on both sides, more understanding and patience.. My girls are amazing and I often find myself tearing up over the idea that they will soon leave my house one minute, and just wishing for a moment of quiet the next. It is hard, and crazy, and an emotional roller coaster, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Prayers for all of us moms out there!

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new book, grilled cheese & organization

March 7, 2016 Filed in parenting,random,things i love

SUPERskinnysidewaysshannan
i am so excited for Shannan’s book!!
it doesn’t come out until September but you can pre-order it on amazon already.
don’t you want to be the first round of readers?!
i know i do!
i also know i am going to be buying this for everyone i know.
you won’t get charged until it’s shipped.
shannan is an amazing writer and lives so genuinely.
go pre-order her book right now!

(she didn’t ask me to share about her book – i just can’t contain my excitement for her!)

SUPERskinnysideways
this was a recent text thread between annie and me:

(i was trying to watch a basketball game at the time of these texts )
_______________________________________________________________________

gc1
gc2
gc3
gc4
gc5
gc6
_________________________
holy cow.
i was really hungry for grilled cheese after that 20 minutes of texting.
ha ha ha!

SUPERskinnysideways

and last thing on this monday… i am LOVING the monthly subscription from Paper Works by Jones Design Co!
it’s so pretty!
each month’s design is different.
last month’s was flowery beauty and this month’s is all FUN!
i mean – it’s RAINBOW-TIZED!
what is better than that???
🙂

IMG_2920IMG_2938ok so… my friends laughed at me and i know you will too but… for the FIRST time –
i made a weekly meal plan WITH a detailed grocery list AND i used it.
and i bought no other groceries!
i just used my list!
i told my friends afterwards “it’s crazy that I’ve never done that before!  i feel so organized and accomplished!”
i am sure most of you already do that.
and you are shaking your heads.
but i am also sure that at least one of you does her grocery shopping the way i have been fro the past 20 years… winging it.
and it’s obviously been sufficient since no one in my family has starved – yet.
but it was also not efficient and caused frustration when i constantly forgot things.
and having a PLAN means less stress every day because i have planned what we were eating that night.
it’s mind blowing!
(i know i know – stop laughing! ha ha ha)

SO… i have to give credit to this pretty package that arrives every month.
it is changing my disorganized self in all the best ways.
i repeated that grocery list/meal plan 3 weeks in a row.
i am hooked!

IMG_2939the monthly kits are sold in different levels where you can print it yourself, enjoy it digitally or have it all printed & sent to you in the mail.
you can figure out which plan works best for you.

IMG_2943this print!
the perfect green and super cute!
and i really enjoy having the bible verse cards!
they are great to help with memorizing… to stick in a note to a friend… a kiddo’s lunch box!

IMG_2946CLICK HERE for the shop with $5.00 off your subscription to Paper Works!

and enjoy all the fun ways you can organize your day!

SUPERskinnysideways

add a comment

molly - oh my goodness. laughed until i was crying tears to the grilled cheese text exchange. my oldest is the same age as annie. this is so something she would do. so hilarious.

sharon / tpt - holy triple cow! the grilled cheese presentation! laughed so hard. listen, you gotta start at the beginning with grilled cheese i guess, right? until you become a ‘pro!’ –where did i read recently (it was a singer or something? someone famous?) someone in the south made them a grilled cheese with mayo instead of butter! wow! (don’t tell Annie yet … it will just confuse her, lol!)

~i will be one of those Shannon book readers. i want to be like her when i grow up~

Amy - LOVE the grilled cheese conversation!!! <3 <3

elma - Oh my word I loved the grilled cheese!! That was just awesome!!!

Kerri - My favorite part is when you tell her to try and if she messes up it will still be ok. 🙂

Jenny B. - That conversation was hilarious. I love the clapping hands and celebration emoticons. You are such a good mom. 🙂

Jessica - Loved reading your grilled cheese conversation. You were so patient! I remember calling my mom the first time I made an egg.

Lisa - You were way more patient than I would have been texting through all that with your daughter! Haha!

Also going to look into that book. I follow her on instagram. 🙂

Kristin S - Oh my word. That grilled cheese text series is hilarious!

A few years ago one of my co-workers (single guy in his late 20’s at the time) called his mom from the grocery store looking for “cupcake mix”. Cupcake mix. He had no idea that cake mixes would work for cupcakes. Bless.

phyllis - Oh gosh it feels good to laugh!! That was priceless!

Patty - That was the most hysterical – typical teenager – parent – text exchange. OMGoodness I laughed SO hard while reading that!!

Andrea - I have read your blog for years and years. I’ve read (and reread) every archived post. I’ve cried, laughed, been challenged and encouraged. I’ve learned parenting strategies, read new books, tried new recipes, found new bloggers, and lived vicariously through every craft weekend. I’ve copied your decorating style, your fashion style, your origination tips and lived vicariously through your fitness life :). But despite the dozens of comments I composed in my head none of them have ever made it past my thoughts until today. Oh. My. Goodness! The text between you and Annie was so hilarious I was actually laughing out loud. Having kids of the same age that are old enough to do big things but need specific instructions, this just cracked me up! Thanks so much, I needed that laugh 🙂

Raylene - Thank you for sharing the grilled cheese convo between you and Annie. Hilarious!! It made me laugh out loud. Also made me hungry for grilled cheese!

marnie - i laughed so hard at that.
kid texts are the best.
I add laughing cow cheese to the kids grilled cheese…and now i’m the MASTER grilled cheese maker.

Jeri - Now I am craving grilled cheese…

Rebekah - This is the funniest thing I’ve read in forever!!!!😂😂😂😂

amy jupin - you are such a patient mom!
after a few mins i would have texted back “make a PB&J!”
hahahaaaa!

Debbie H - And THAT is how my kids get to 150 – 200 texts PER DAY. (which drives me crazy). They can be knuckleheads. Ya gotta feel bad for teachers. 🙂 It was very funny though.

Lee Ann - The grilled cheese texts made my day! That was HILARIOUS!!!!

Gabby - Thanks for sharing that hilarious grilled cheese text conversation. I love it!

Rachel - Oh my gosh! I laughed so hard at your grilled cheese text exchange! Describes teens so well. They’re so smart and so dumb at the same time.

Martha - That is way funny about the grilled cheese. My niece wanted to make grilled cheese and her mom told her to butter the bread and she said which side! Love your post they are so real. I’m from Plymouth, In. Close to Goshen

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more Q & A – teenagers

February 15, 2016 Filed in parenting

so…. there were lots of questions about teenagers and raising big kids.

i can only speak from my experience of course.
and i’m no parenting expert but i can share what i think i’ve learned so far.

our home may be the complete opposite of yours.
with five kids i can say for sure that every kid is different & needs something different.
some kids are naturally obedient and would never want to rock the boat.
some kids are the opposite and want to tip your boat, their boat and everyone else’s within reach.
some kids are quiet.  some kids want to talk your ear off.
some kids get mad easily while others seem to be happy all the time.
and there are a hundred other personalities in-between those examples.

the frustrating reality of parenting is that just because you do every thing “right”,  follow all the advice you get and read all the books – it doesn’t mean they will fall in line and obey.
or that they will make the right choices.
or try harder in school.
or want to please you.
or even that they will like you!

they are humans with the right to choose good or bad… right or wrong…
sometimes no matter how loving, how wonderful,  how kind or how much fun you are… they still may not make the right choice.
and that part truly sucks.
meaning:  i like results.
and guarantees.
i want my kids to SUCCEED!  i don’t want them to mess up or have pain that could be avoided!
i want a formula for parenting teens that would go like this:  if you love God, love your kids, provide for them, feed them, go to their ball games, take them to the pool, bake cookies, play legos and host birthday parties then your kids will be well behaved, angelic, smiling lovelies that say “thank you so much mother for all that you do for me each day”
yeahhhh… it doesn’t work like that.
there is no formula.

when they are toddlers and babies their needs are met in such tangible ways… dry diaper, full stomach, good nap.
i really thought i knew what i was doing as a mom when my 5 kids were 10 years old and under.
i felt pretty proud of myself.
and then the teen years knocked me down several notches.
the teenage years with the hormones & cell phones & driver’s licenses & peer pressure – it’s a constant emotional roller coaster.
and then there are so many actual people in our home – we are like a theme park for feelings!

it may not be that way at your house.
maybe your house is calm and quiet and everyone behaves.
if so… lucky you.
feel free to stop reading and go find something to bake on pinterest.  🙂

maybe your kids would never say something hurtful to you.
or slam doors.
or unthinkable that they’d swear at you.
or say they hate you.

but the reality of life at our house is that it’s not peachy keen everyday.
i would never want people to look through this blog or Instagram and think that it was.
i mean it’s not a war zone but it’s real life with 6 – 7 personalities and needs flaring all at once.

i shocked myself the other night when i was driving alone and thought about how i never thought i would like these teen years or could like them since they aren’t cute cuddly babies anymore.  I am a baby lover and could hold babies all day long!  And now that is in my past and i realized i actually really do LIKE having a house full of teenagers!

even with the yelling or swearing or door slamming.

it’s not like that everyday.
but i can’t write about raising teenagers with out saying that those things could happen.
it doesn’t make me feel like we are failures.
it’s just real life.
it doesn’t make me a bad mom if they choose to react that way.
they are just people trying to figure out life and each interaction is a time to learn how to appropriately respond to conflict.

we do have LOTS of fun as well at our house.
they are all so funny.
there is laughter, hugs, happiness,complete silliness and even occasional dancing!

so… the only “advice” i could give seems to be the obvious things that i feel everyone already knows but i will share anyway.

LOVE your kids the best way you can.
try to figure out what makes them tick.
love them for who they are… not who you want them to be.
listen when they share with you.
try to love them in the way they respond the best.
show them that you are on their side and that you always will be.
encourage them! tell them they are awesome and you’re proud of them!
choose your battles… sometimes it’s just not worth it.
validate their feelings especially when others have hurt them.
sympathize when it feels like they will never recover from a break up or a mean girl incident.
listen when they are frustrated about a coach or teacher or a boss.
give them responsibility… don’t do everything for them… laundry, school work, job applications, alarm clocks.
if you don’t help them learn to do hard things – who will? who cares more about them than you?!
be strict when it comes to keeping them safe… parties, drinking, boyfriends/girlfriends, driving… etc.
making the hard calls is your job… YOU are the adult.
it’s not fun to be hated but YOU are the adult and you can handle that.
it won’t last forever.
they will eventually understand that you did it because you loved them.

they are going to mess up.
it could be small but also it might be in a really big way.
you have to be there when they fall… still loving them.
not giving up.

if you don’t know how to do these things on your own or situations are too difficult – find a counselor or therapist who can help you.
therapy is a good thing!
it helps so much to talk things through!  for you or for your kids or both!
i’ll say it again… therapy is good thing!

i do not see myself as doing everything right. (no way)
or that i have perfect kids. (heck no!)
but we are trying.
it’s hard.
harder than i ever thought it would be.
but it is worth it!

i was confused when my friend who was about 5 years ahead of me in mothering would say “teenagers are so much fun!”
i honestly thought she was either clueless or lying or both.
it used to make me mad actually.

and now… years later… having gone through so much… seeing my babies turn into a house full of teens and older…
now i get it!
it IS a beautiful, crazy and FUN stage to walk (& fumble) through.
you get to be a part of these amazing people’s journey into life on their own.
you get to go beside them and cheer them on!
it’s humbling.
and AWESOME!

there are so many prayers said for our kids.
we pray that they would come to know jesus as their savior.
that they would love him deeply in their heart.
we pray for protection over them.
we pray they would make right choices.
and be kind to others.
we pray for the ability to love them the way He wants us to.
and we trust that the God who created them has the best plan for them.
we trust that He will continue to love them unconditionally.
we have hope in Him to cover our parenting mistakes with his grace and mercy.

it’s HARD but God is big enough to take care of you, your kids and mine too!

rainbowhearts2

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Marian Vischer - Meg, I’m a little late to the party for this post but girl, this is gold. Two out of my three kids are now teenagers. My world feels unpredictable and roller-coastery in a way it never has. This post puts me at ease, reminding me that messy is normal and days are volatile and love needs to be in great supply. Your words are keepers.

Lisa - This is perfect timing for me today….my husband and I have been discussing raising our kids through the teenage years this weekend. Thanks for this dose of reality and encouragement!

tracy fisher - I sooooo get your mothering words. Never knew how much i’d miss my daughter moving to college in CA or how my baby boy is turning into a little man in his first year of HS. I had no idea boys had emotions too..haha. but it’s fun to look back and see how far they’ve come and how my husband and I actually had a little bit to do with that. I wish we lived closer to you. i’m sure you hear that from everyone. but I know the 4 of us could have some good parenting laughs. keep up the good work!!

Mom of 4 - Yes, yes, yes! Thank you for this sweet bit of encouragement. “the ability to love them the way He wants us to” is my daily prayer in this season, when I often find it difficult to love my 12-year old. Thank you for addressing some of the difficulties of the teen years: I’m new to this stage of parenting, and your generous writing in this post feels like an answer to prayers.

May God continue to bless you and your family.

Lisa - You hit the nail on the head with this one! I have two teenagers (and 3 more in the 10 and under age group). It really is such a blast having them but man it is hard too because they can make choices that are scary or dangerous or sad! My 15 year old is a “rock the boat” type of kid and man do I worry for her. But then God gives me little glimpses of the ways He’s working in her. You explained the teen years so perfectly! One moment I’m so incredibly proud of her kindness and 5 minutes later I’m telling her to take a picture off instagram that is inappropriate. I do wish there was a manual on how to handle social media/phones with teens. We are the first generation having to parent those things. It’s hard! Thanks for sharing and making my household seem so normal!

jo - Appreciate your honesty. Sometimes I get depressed and disillusioned reading blogs where life appears perfect…thanks for being real. Really agree with you that each kid is different and needs different things! Most important thing is that they each know how much they are loved.

Mickie - Oh, and I almost forgot this about feelings. I have said many times that I think it’s a pretty cruel joke that I am going through Perimenopause (nice…!) at the same time that my son is going through puberty. No joke! We feel ALL the feelings around her and it is CRAZYtown some days!

Mickie - Thanks for sharing this Meg. It was what I needed to hear today. I only have one tween at this point (I can’t even imagine 5… although we were 4 when I was growing up and not sure how my mom survived) and it is all of the things you said. Beautiful, crazy, fun and I’ll add frustrating, humbling, scary etc. But, overall, I honestly do love that he is getting older and how much more we can share now. I also especially loved your reminder that “And we trust that the God who created them has the best plan for them.” This is something I do pray about because I tend to worry WAY too much about what will happen to him later in life. I have to know that God loves him even more than I do and has an amazing plan for his life. It is all hard but definitely worth it. Thanks again!

Lisa - I also pray that if my kids screw up- that they would get caught. Especially during those early teen years. Because I don’t want them to think they can get away with something once their old enough for legal consequences. When they’re adults it’s fun for them to tell you what they got passed you.

LISA - Thank you , Meg.
I’ve been waiting for you to post about this!
Our house is a ZOO at times ! Your saying the real things
is so great and comforting!
Very well said!

Linda Johnston - Thank you. I needed to hear this. We have 3 teenagers in our home with another younger child coming up quickly. I feel like we’ve become some kind of circus act with all the different emotions and personality. I have to admit its been wearing on me. Some are not making the best choice and my heart aches for them. Others seem to be moving forward with ease and yet I know underneath the struggles they are having. This is such a tough world and even more so than the world I was a teenager in. Thank you for your words and your perpective. Maybe someday I will be able to say I love these teenage years too.

T-licious - Legit.

Tina - Ahhh….if there were only a formula!!!! Stumbling through the teenage years. Our first 2 are teens, with 3 more to follow (they are close in age, so at one point in time, I will have 5 teenagers at once!!). I laugh now that I thought all those sleepless newborn nights were so hard. Little did I know. It does have it joyful moments though. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

Cindy - Loved this so! thank you for sharing. Beautiful words!

Amy Woods - I enjoyed your post! Being a mom to only one, it is neat to hear your big family perspective. I was the youngest of 6 children, and I think my parents were saints to handle all our different personalities! I love parenting my teenager. He is so fun, and super smart. I am seriously in awe of the way he thinks. I worried about parenting a teen from the time I new I was pregnant! Ha! But, wow, the Lord prepares us for each season doesn’t He? Now that my son is 18 and will graduate high school this year, I wish we could just go back and do it all one more time…oh the things I would savor!

Su - I think I will print this post out and read it regularly. So encouraging. I got 5 big kids/teenagers over here too.

Kristin - Love them for who they are, not who you want them to be…yes! That one is so important, and is something one set of grandparents has not figured out. I mean, they LOVE the kids, but they keep on trying to get them to be what THEY want them to be. Ugh.

Jen - My biggest advice: hang in there. Every single stage has its pros and cons. Do what you know to be best and right and trust God for the rest. God is faithful to his promise “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will NOT depart from it.” “Old” may be 16, 27, or even 65, but God IS faithful. I highly recommend the book “Praying the Bible for your Adult Children”. It’s easy to pray fervently and expectantly when they are young and the future is unknown. When they grow up, move out, have their own families and things seems to be “settled”, it’s easier to slack off. Don’t stop praying! They need it more than ever!

Jessica Shrock - I love this post! Thanks for your honesty and sharing your heart.

Lu - Thank you for writing this post. I like the rainbows and the colour but really I appreciate the realness of life you share. Your honesty has helped me a lot.

Lu - Thank you. I really appreciate you writing about this.

Maureen - Love this Meg!!! And I would add it keeps getting better. Our oldest just moved out to his first apt. in the city (Chicago) and asked me to go rug shopping with him this past Saturday. Had such a nice afternoon with him and so sweet to see him with his own taste and style pick out things. And this is the one that I butted heads with for years!!!

Kate @ Songs Kate Sang - This is so, so beautifully written. I could just hug you. I’m gonna go bake something – but only so I forget about the doors that slammed today.

Jen - This one is so good and so right:

“try to love them in the way they respond the best.”

Jenn A - Its so very true. I loved having my babies around but teenagers are so wonderful in their own right. The are funny and smart and kind and sometime mean and hateful. But its such a great experience to watch them grow into the adults they hopefully become.

Jenny B. - Love this post! A wise man recently told my husband that you can’t take credit for the good OR bad things your kids do.

Sabrina - Thank you for sharing this… I have three boys, 4,3,18m and they are a handful! They are wild and crazy and talk back and yell and fight constantly. It’s so exhausting being with them all day everyday. I really try to not wish these days away, because I know someday they will be older. But I worry that they will turn into crazy teenagers. So I pray a lot for them! I hope the Lord hears my prayers and helps turn them into sweet, kind, calm, and Godly young adults. 🙂
P.S. Everyone keeps telling me that teenage boys are way different than toddler boys. I hope they are telling the truth. 🙂

Sarah M - I love this so much! Thank you!

Jenn - That’s some good stuff right there. Thank you for sharing.

patty - What a great post. Its so true, the babies are awesome and exhausting, teenagers are awesome and exhausting but all of it is rewarding, and there’s nothing more rewarding than having your kids come out of being teenagers and liking who they are as people. We have 2 gainfully employed early 20 something college graduates.

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one on one

June 24, 2015 Filed in parenting,things i love

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i took annie on a little overnight getaway to see some of our friends who recently moved.
we drove three hours away and stopped for treats whenever we felt like it.
when i have my kids one-on-one it is fun to be able to say YES all the time.
coffee at starbucks for everyone? no… that’s extravagant.
coffee for just the two of us?  YES!

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annie and her friend were playing in the pool as soon as they could.
these two have been buddies for as long as they can remember.
they to the same preschool and i did pick up & play time once a week & they did pick up & playtime once a week.
(do you do that with someone at your preschool?? you should!  it’s amazing!)

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we went out for dinner to a restaurant that annie has been DYING to go to forever.
she was so surprised!
and said “thank you so much for bringing me here!!!”
🙂
and then said it again at bedtime.
it was adorable.
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this salad was delicious!

i loved having time with my friend in her new home and new city!
so fun to check in with her!
i hate that she moved away but i love that she’s only three hours away!
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spending time with just annie was a sweet little treat.
we spent the night and headed back to kansas together.
and i drove her straight to her camp to bunk up with all her friends from school.
she was excitedly nervous when i left.
i knew she would have the best time and she did.

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Candy - What is the restaurant? The only reason I ask is that I’m about three hours away from you and it looks yummy!

Flower Patch Farmgirl - Cuties!!!
Can’t wait for our turn. 🙂

Mickie - That backyard looks like my dream backyard. AHmazing!
And, yay for Redrock. I would recognize those plates, mashed potatoes and that dessert anywhere. My absolute favorite!

jen - One on one days/overnights are so much fun! Love them. And that backyard looks amazing!!

Sharla - What an awesome pool. Looks like they had a great time! 🙂

Jacci in Ohio - I seriously almost emailed you last week to see if I could weed all the weeds at the Craft House in exchange for an overnight 🙂 Ha ha. Really, though, I bet you could have a discounted “work weekend” and people would still show up. I’d love to weed all day and then collapse in the porch swing with a piece of Pam’s cheesecake! My name is first on the list if you ever decide to try it!

Brooke Klintworth - I recognize that place….. Tulsa!! Hope you liked it here:)

sharon / theprincipledtype.blogspot.com - do i smell wedding bells in 15 years? (sorry! lollollol!!!) (and if so, please have those donuts at the reception!)

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summer happiness.

June 18, 2015 Filed in family fun,parenting,playtime,sports,things i love

you guys… this summer is so good!!
i am loving it.
every day!
we have loads of sports but it keeps us active and not in front of a screen.
i like it even more when i remember my bug spray, my water and my chair.

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annie is really enjoying softball this summer… especially after she got her own pair of baseball pants.
🙂
she feels much more like an authentic ball player now.

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i am eating this salad several times a week this summer.
i can’t get enough of it!IMG_8356IMG_8389
this picture was funny to me…two kids playing separately on the floor… safely apart.
the legos have come out of storage again and are keeping annie busy.
(thank you Lego Movie! #everythingISawesome)
and we’ve been baby sitting our little friend too.
he’s a few weeks away from crawling into the legos so the clock is ticking on the floor lego time.
and he sleeps like a sweet little angel.
thighs rolls are the best!  🙂
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when i make bunting for the shop it starts out like this…
and then over and over 25 times.
all before it is sewn together.
4000 squares later… it’s almost ready for the shop.
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the girls play softball AND basketball right now.
i appreciate an air conditioned gym in the summer.  🙂

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jr. high girls softball is tricky.
they are learning… there are lots of skill levels… they are pitching on their own… and catching…
it’s a lot to learn and perform.
but she LOVES it.
which makes me so happy.
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i didn’t make it out to shop for a swimsuit before school got out and it just seemed impossible once every one was home all day.
i thought my suit from last year would work.
i actually had two.
but the strap got eaten by the dryer of one and the other just seemed to have lost it’s elastic over the winter.
BOO.
so i decided to order a bunch and do what i would do at a store… at home.
Macy’s has free returns so i decided to just go for it.
my credit card company called me assuming it was fraud.
HA!
i said “no… it’s just me trying to find a swimsuit.”
i know my body and i know what works for me.
i know i can’t do a tankini because i need FULL support up top.
i know i don’t want anything cutting in on my tummy.
i know i need some spanx-y fabric through the middle.
i know i need a skirt over my hips.
i know these things because i know my body and how to hide and accent.
so i searched a lot and ordered these suits.
i ended up with the chevron… the navy dot… and maybe the magenta.
i enjoyed swim suit shopping at home in my bathroom much more than taking a whole day, driving all around and hoping to find one possible match.

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more basketball.
and the day after that was ALL basketball.
i drove back and forth between gyms all day but i had time to myself which was nice.
at one point i sat in the car outside of a starbucks in my car getting wifi and blogging about summer drinks.
and repeat the basketball again on sunday.
this margarita was the perfect ending to all that.
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so proud of all these kids!
it’s hard work to play all those games!
i could NEVER do it.
two games in a day? three?  four?  heck no.
but they loooove it!
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this dog.
he is so lovable.
and so crazy funny.
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holding all the kittens at once is no easy task.
ha ha ha
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this picture could just be labeled “SUMMER”
am i right?

.
i stopped at the craft house and pulled a few weeds (unfortunately there are still a thousand more) while craig mowed the lawn.
i washed the pillow cases for the porch furniture and swept all the cobwebs away.
a clean porch is a good thing.
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and right now… three of kids are at camp.
for the rest of the week!
i have one 17 year old at home and that is it!
what?
it’s crazy.
and awesome.
and quiet!
17 year olds sleep a lot.  🙂

isn’t summer just wonderful?
these days are so good.
i am loving it.
all of it.

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Shauna Jones - I just have to tell you that your blog makes me so happy. I’ve followed it for years, but have never commented. When I’m feeling blue, or like life is hard, I come read a little of your blog. Thanks for finding the beauty in the every day. I love the bright colors, the kid pictures, the dog pictures, all of it. Thanks for making the world a brighter place!

Tricia - Hello! That salad looks yummy! I want to make sure I have all of the ingredients:

chicken
spinach
strawberries
blueberries
walnuts
red onion
poppy seed dressing

Anything else?

Thanks!

Gina - Wow!! Busy summer. Brilliant idea about swimsuits too!! I’ve bought my last few from Lands End and really like theirs. I agree you have to know what works best for your body. And I am going to be the one that asks for the salad recipe. 😉 I see baby spinach, strawberries, blueberries, red onion, pecans and grilled chicken. Am I missing anything? Any cheese and what dressing do you use? 🙂 TIA!! 🙂 I get on salad kicks too.

Jen - I love summer too, and I even work 25 hours a week. I wish I had more free time with my girls, but beggers can’t be choosers and I do love my job. I just love no homework, no school schedule, no lunch packing, no “hurry, you need to get to bed”…it’s just more relaxed.

Also, I was with Aaron Dody last night here in Ohio – fam were in town from KS. He loved seeing pictures of his grandparents old house – the Craft House. He explained that the kitchen isn’t where it used to be, told me about the business his dad and grandpa ran out of the top floor (do you know?), this room is next to this room, oh wow! there used to be a wall there, etc. I LOVED listening to him as he saw your old house. I have to admit that after following your blog for 6+ years and loving your home pics, I was a bit geeked out. I STILL cannot believe how I put this puzzle together. Out of all the people in this world, all the houses, awesome. crazy. wonderful. awesome. Have a wonderful weekend!

Maria - it’s amazing what subtracting three kids can do! My three oldest are off at camp this week too…just the youngest at home and it has been way too quiet! About 24 hrs left of that….

Enjoy your summer!

I

Stephanie - Yay! Love the suits you chose. You’ll look gorgeous in those rich tones.
Your summer sounds so good. So quintesentially summer! I hate summer. But it’s because I live in Florida. It’s so gross here in the summer. I remember summer in KS–so pleasant. Gets hot once in awhile, but mostly great!

Pam - I too love summer, however it will be 115 degrees here today. We hide in our house like it is a hobit hole and play games and drink iced tea and lemonade. When the sun goes down we slink out into the night for a swim in the quiet, heavy air. Such a freshing treat before bedtime. 🙂

Amy Woods - I have an only child. Also 17. He doesn’t sleep much, but he is definitely quiet or out. He will be a senior when school starts. WAHHHHH! My baby!!!

Love the suits your picked! And all your pics are FAB!!

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cleaning our kitchen

June 13, 2015 Filed in home decorating,my goofball kids,parenting,random,things i love

summer has been a whirlwind already.
my kiddos are all signed up for sports of every kind.
it’s been a revolving door of kids coming and going at all times of the morning and night.
but the sleeping in has been AWESOME!

we have been staying up late…
the kids have a tan already…
the grill is in use almost every day…
flips flops are everywhere…
swimsuits draped on every chair…

i LOVE SUMMER.

the cleaning the kitchen schedule has relaxed a bit.
because we are gone so often with ball games every night.
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i even set an alarm on my phone so that we can remember to get the kitchen clean before bed.
i am that forgetful.
i know some of you are thinking “how can she forget to clean her kitchen?”
ummm…. i just don’t see the mess.
i have become blind to it.

but then on mornings when i wake up and see THIS KITCHEN i can remember more often.

IMG_7593it is SO GOOD to wake up to a clean kitchen.
and i feel quite strongly that the kids should be a part of keeping it clean.
they make most of the messes anyway.

the thing that is the best… the cordless vacuum.

Eureka Quick Up 2-in-1 Cordless with Battery Pack on Amazon.

you can also order it: Eureka Quick-up Cordless Vacuum without the extra battery for a little bit less money.

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it’s one of my favorite gadgets.
i have even given them as gifts for friends that have wood floors!
it’s mainly for wood floors but you can use on carpet too… but i would think if you have carpet that you would already have a bigger vacuum that you are using for that.  🙂

i dislike sweeping with a broom.
it feels like you never quite get it all… and the sweeping the dirt into the dustpan is messy.

AND this is GREAT for cleaning up all the dog hair on our wood floors!!

this is really light and takes up very little space.
it has a battery that recharges after you use it.
and an extra battery if you want to do more than a small area.
we can usually get our kitchen, living room and dining room done with the charge of one battery.
and that’s what this is for…. quick jobs.
times when you would have normally gotten out a broom and swept.
this is much quicker.
and my kids don’t mind doing this job!
it’s a miracle!
even Annie (my 10 year old) can easily vacuum the wood floors.
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as far as the other jobs… they aren’t quite as “fun”.

but none of them are difficult either.
and when we miss a night… they get to team up the next night.
so if annie missed her night on monday then talby gets help with her job on tuesday.
and sunday is usually a catch up day anyway and we all pitch in if we are even home.

 

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Stephanie - What do you use to mop your wood floors? They always look so clean! We have three boys and a golden too! So I am very curious. 🙂

Ali - I love your kitchen ! What type / color / style of counter tops are in your kitchen?

Thank you!!

– Ali

jennibell - My sister swears by her cordless vac. I love your kitchen-cleaning idea and *will* be instituting it in the fall (when we are back on schedule and – hopefully – in our new home). Thank you for all the great ideas I come across on your blog. . .I shared your laundry post the other day with another blogger who is struggling with her laundry situation 🙂
You are “my kind” of summer mama!!! Wish we lived closer together to enjoy these more independent years together. . .

Joy Cronauer - I love your kitchen! It looks beautiful and comfortable at the same time!

Maria - We have wood floors and a Labrador. Cordless stick vac saves my sanity (almost) daily!

Alicia - can we discuss that calendar for a second? I’ve been looking for something like that to freehand our calendar. I love that it’s made to flip like a calendar. Can you point me in the direction of where to find it? Btw, your kitchen is amazing, as is your entire house!

Kathi - I love your kitchen!

Mindy - Your kitchen is beautiful : )

Melanie - Do you have hardwood or laminate flooring? I am ripping up my yucky carpet this summer and installing laminate wood flooring throughout the house, including the kitchen, but still torn on what shade/color to go with. I am also putting in a white IKEA kitchen (YAY) and I thought your kitchen here looked so, so nice. Thanks for the tip on the vacuum!

Sabrina - I have three boys, 4, 2.5, 10 months. I am blind to the kitchen mess every single night. I just want\need my quiet alone time at the end of the day, so I let my kitchen go. Someday it will be clean. I hope! 🙂

katie skiff - I need one of those handy vacs. I’ve been using my shop vac. lol We have similar rules for chores too – but I should add vacuuming!!

Marsha Kern - We love our cordless stick vacuum, with 2 dogs, 1 cat and wood floors it is the best!

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